Sunday, January 19, 2014


It's officially time to get back into the swing of things. 

After my post the other day, I weighed myself & I'm using that as my new starting point.  Can't say I'm proud to put this out there, seeing as I was under 200 just about 2 years ago.  But I need to face the fact that I undid 47 pounds of progress.

Having an unhealthy relationship with food isn't a behavior I can easily change, if at all.  It's something I have to deal with.


I'm still down 43 pounds from where I was 3 years ago when I started this journey & by no means am I ready to quit.  So, let's do this.


Wednesday, January 15, 2014

Becoming self-aware.

Well, I haven't been here for awhile.  Almost 2 years to be exact.  You may be wondering what too.

I let life get the best of me, I suppose.

In April of 2012 I was in what I think was the best place I have ever been in my adult life.  I was SO close to being 100 lbs down (!!!) & finished my first half-marathon.  It wasn't easy, but I felt more accomplished after that race than I ever have.  I was on a high for weeks after that.  Fast forward through a bit of heartbreak & slowly but surely I visited some of my bad habits.  Then my procrastination led to a very dark period starting in November.  I'm not going to share what happened (those closest to me know), but that winter was the bleakest I think I've ever experienced.  You know how they say bad things come in threes? I'm pretty sure mine came in multiples of 3.

Around March of 2013 I started feeling a little more normal, but it wasn't until the end of the spring that I finally emerged from what was most definitely a depression.  Without my roommate, I don't know if I would have ever come out of it.  So thank you Joey, if you ever read this.  Sadly, the months of eating terrible food (I hate you Little Caesars for introducing that damn deep dish pizza) and spending most of my time on the couch or in bed had taken its toll.  I started being more mindful of my eating, but undoing 40+ pounds of hard work & dedication sort of deflates your drive and confidence.  I did manage to maintain for several months without adding any more weight on, but didn't do much to reverse it.

In September, it seems my Mom caught my wave of bad luck.  I knew of a few problems she was having, but one night I got a phone call from my brother telling me she was in the hospital.  Panic set in.  My Mom hasn't been in peak health in years & I'm always worried about her.  She's diabetic, overweight & smokes...not exactly the trifecta of healthy living.  It was then I learned she'd been having a re-occuring issue where she would be nauseous for days.  She was so sick that she ending up dehydrated & an urgent care sent her straight to the hospital.  While there they took some scans and they discovered she had a growth on her ovaries.  Doctor's evaluation : hysterectomy.

Most of October I then spent at my parents, near Joplin, MO.  Thankfully I had about 200 hours of sick time saved up at work & I was able to go help my Mom for several weeks.  While the hysterectomy took care of the growth on her ovaries, there was still the matter of her unexplained nausea.  In the midst of yelling at her to lay down & stop cleaning and her checkups, we spent several days with doctors trying to uncover what was wrong with her.  All the while she would get sick for days at a time.  I've never felt so powerless as I did sitting there with her.  A colonoscopy came back negative.  An endoscopy came back negative.  It wasn't until she was up & getting around and I had to return to St Louis that she finally got some answers.  And wouldn't you know it, the FDA hasn't approved the medication the doctor says she needs so they had to send off to Canada to get it.  She just recieved it LAST WEEK.  Go ahead and tell me our health care system isn't shameful.

When I came back to St Louis, everything seemed to fall into place...or so I thought.  Let's just say I think with my heart most of the time instead of my head.  In December, things started to take a turn for the worse again & I let myself slide back into old habits & my old way of thinking.

My self-worth is NOT measured by other people...I just need to start believing that again.

I went home to spend Christmas with my family, but I probably spent more time crying in the bathroom...and eating cookies.  I ate way too many cookies.  I was lucky enough to spend NYE with my best friend for her birthday & then proceeded to lose it after midnight.  The last few weeks were not how I wanted to start a new year, but then again a different number on the calendar doesn't really mean anything either.

It took a revelation and just the right song to make me snap out of it.  You know why?  ...because I'm better than this.  I'm better than him.  I can be healthy again.  I can be that happy girl I was 2 years ago.  I'm ready to focus my energy on ME and me alone for now.

Starting now.


Thursday, February 9, 2012

Back in the saddle . . .

So . . . things have changed a bit since I first started this blog.  My work schedule is nearly the polar opposite (& apparently I'm trying to work myself to death).  Tuesdays are no longer weigh-in days.  Tuesdays are wake up early because you have to go count all the money in the store at 8 in the morning days.  Thursdays are my steady off day now, so by default they now become weigh-in day.  They are now my only weekday off to get things done, so we'll see how tricky that becomes shortly . . .

But today is Thursday.  And since I'm back in the blogging game now, I guess that means I should update.

I'm going to be honest, I haven't been super productive since last week.  I also haven't had a day off & worked both jobs on 2 of those days.  I'm busy, give me a break.  I did fit in a few Zumba workouts in my apartment & tried to sync up my schedule to get to the gym with my workout buddy Terra.  That didn't turn out so well, though.  However, we're going to make a legit schedule because we want to get in a routine again.  It's coming.

I did eat really well the past week, though.  I owe most of that to my handy dandy Happy Herbivore cookbook.  Her black bean burgers have been my go to lunch for work for the past few weeks now & I am in LOVE with the Tofu Scramble.

It's to DIE FOR.  Especially with a little BBQ sauce on top.  Mmmmmmmm.

Anyway . . . When I started this here blog last year I was tipping the scales at 286 lbs.  Ridiculous, right?  I saw some old pictures of me last night that Terra found on her camera & its crazy how different I look (also, who let me wear such hideous clothes?  Really?).  I was squeezing into XL mens t-shirts & size 26/28 pants.  Last night I bought a size Large dress at Target.  In the Juniors section.

I almost screamed.

Alright, let's get onto it.
Previous weight : 220    (as of last official weigh-in)
Current weight  : 207.5
Total lost 78.5 lbs.

8 more lbs & I'm under 200 for the first time in my ADULT LIFE.  That's one milestone I'm pretty stoked about.  Just saying.  Just 21.5 away from hitting 100 lost.  Dang.  Its game time.

Oh & in 67 days I'm doing a half-marathon (more on that later).  I'm insane.


Thursday, February 2, 2012

Hiatus, schmiatus. . .

Hey.  It's me.  I'm alive, even if the updates to this blog would lead you to believe otherwise.

I've brought up this box several times, without the words to put in it.  I've done this probably 15 times in the last month alone.

I've been alive since October.  I've maintained since October.  I've been lazy since October.

. . . except if you count going full-time at my normal job, starting a second job, moving yet again & tumbling into the dating world.  3 out of the 4 of those are going quite well.

After Warrior Dash, I lost my motivation.  I'd lost 75 pounds in 10 months & felt fantastic.  After moving to my new place I was 1,000 times happier than I was a year before.  No goals in sight, no set deadline, no movement.

I went home to see my family for Christmas & had them all Ooohhing & Ahhhhing over me.  I was flustered, but felt like a total fraud.  Why are you praising me for being a lazy bum for 2 months!?

Good news is, I didn't start eating everything in sight.  I managed to dodge probably half of the 3 lbs of butter my mother tried to feed me at Christmas.  I had some pitfalls of course & probably drank a few too many beers along the way, but I didn't fall back into my old habits.  Of that I AM proud.

However, aside from one Zumba video at home in December I didn't do a SINGLE workout after Warrior Dash the rest of 2011.  Pathetic.  In my defense, I did have some serious issues with my knee flaring up & a weird pinched nerve issue in my leg.  I need to see a doctor.  Sigh. (But thankfully I'm insured right now!)

Enough about the past.

I've started a new chapter in the past few weeks.  I went on my first run since October on a gorgeous day in January (& 3 more since then).  I visited the gym for the first time since September.  I started tracking again.

That's progress, right?

I realized I need to have something to work towards to keep me going.  I need an event to anticipate.  Reaching an undetermined goal weight isn't enough for me to get off my butt, it seems.  So how about I do a half-marathon?  That's a sane decision, right?  GO! St Louis half-marathon, here I come!  April 15th is reallyyyyyy close & I need to shave a minute off my pace so they don't kick me off the course.

So here I sit on a Thursday night planning most of my meals for the next week+ straight of work, bagging up serving sizes of snacks & baking black bean burgers.  Ahhhh . . . the single life.

Today I ran 3.5 miles & then walked around the zoo for 2.5 hours with my best friend & her 2 little boys.  With my calculations I have a 1200+ calorie deficit for the day.  I'm cool with that.  However tomorrow I'll be on my feet working 15 hours with an endless soda fountain & maraschino cherries at my disposal.  Pray for me.

This is where I leave you for tonight, because it's time for bed.  I feel like everything is falling into place again, that the stars are aligning for me to get it right this time.  Let's hope I'm not just delusional . . .

I've never really posted any old pictures of myself, as I am ashamed of how out of control my eating got.  But my Facebook friends all got a chance to see this a few weeks back, so I figured it's only right that I blog it as well.

New Years 2011 vs 2012. This is what I did last year. :)

Not too shabby, right?  Until next time . . .


Saturday, October 15, 2011

A moment of panic.

In 4 hours, my wave of Warrior Dash starts.  I feel grossly unprepared & may or may not have a broken toe.  All of our spectators bailed on us.  Oh & did I mention most of my life is in boxes, waiting to be moved?

Life has been hectic lately, with working 2 jobs & trying to still maintain a semblance of a normal life.  This blog has fallen by the wayside & so have my workouts.  I haven't felt on top of my game since I moved in August.  I haven't been happy like I was 3 months ago.  I've made some stupid decisions lately that I can't undo & I feel like that breaking point is slowly approaching.  I'm tired of feeling like a burden to people.

I'm hoping today is another Day 1.  I don't care if I have to drive 50 miles alone to the boonies to go do my best to climb walls & jump over fire.  Then, no matter what, I get to go see Saves The Day-my favorite band in the entire world tonight.  Next Friday I will be able to pay up on my gym membership so I can go back to my normal workouts, I'll have room to cook & feel comfortable doing so.  Here's to turning over a new leaf.  Hopefully.

I'm not going to do a weigh-in today or anything, but I've maintained where I was.  I'm hanging out around 70lbs lost right now & hoping to make a big dent towards 100 lost by the end of the year. 

Wish me luck.

And hope I don't die at Warrior Dash today.


Sunday, September 4, 2011

kaleidoscope heart

I've been trying to write this post for 2 months.  I've opened up Blogger, written a bit, but never got across what I wanted to say.  Tried again the next week, the next month.  Nothing.  I haven't had the time, energy, effort or strength to try any harder. 

I've been burnt out.

The last week or so I've felt different.  Not that everything in my life is magically fixed now (will it ever?), but I feel in control for the moment.  In charge of the chaos, let's say.

In the last 2 months :
My phone was stolen.
Somehow hurt my shoulder to the point I couldn't lift anything.
My living situation became intolerable.
I hastily moved to a new place.
Aggravated a recurring knee injury while moving.
I turned 27.
Finished 6 months without fast food.
Blew that on a visit to Little Caesars after a bad day.
Felt like a stranger in my own home.
Went for not one, but 2 promotions at work I didn't get.
Got stood up.

And that's not everything, but all I'll disclose for now.  Needless to say, the past 2 months sucked.  I did let my emotions & old habits get the best of me a bit, but overall I think I stayed in control (minus that week or so of avoiding the gym like the plague).

Today isn't official weigh-in day or anything but I want to attach some numbers to where I've been the last 2 months.  Last time I updated here I was at 234.5 after a 3 lb gain that week.  Today I was at 220 even.  That brings me to 66 lbs total that I've lost in the last 8 months & I can't be upset about that, right?

I've had a great last week or so in general.  I've felt like nothing can bring me down. 

Since I like lists here is what is putting a smile on face :
I have an awesome new opportunity at work I can hopefully get.
Registered for Warrior Dash on October 15th!
I got a call for an interview at SweetArt (my favorite local restaurant)
Had a delightful dinner with a super nice guy who loves Saves The Day as much as I do. 

Its the little things.

I'll leave you with these lyrics from Sara Bareilles.  She rules.

All the colors of the rainbow, hidden 'neath my skin
Hearts have colors, don't we all know.
Red runs through our veins.
Feel the fire burning up, inspire me with blood of blue & green
I have hope
Inside is not a heart, but a kaleidoscope


Tuesday, June 28, 2011


Today's entry comes to you from the seats of The Muny, theco nations oldest & largest outdoor theater.  I got here early to nab some free seats & have 20 minutes until curtain, so why not write a blog?

Today was weigh-in day.  I didn't expect anything major after last week's 4.5 lb drop, but I was super active this week & stayed well within my calorie goals for the week (Yes, even with that whole bag of Gardettos I devoured in 4 days.  Lesson learned). 

This last week was the start of the Shrinking Jeans Burst Into Summer Challenge.  Part of the challenge is a 6 week bootcamp.  As I mentioned last week, I started a few days late due to work taking over my life, but I caught up!  I did the Week 1 workout on Wednesday, Friday & Sunday & did Week 2, Day 1 yesterday (ouch).  I would be lying if I said it was easy.  As someone still nearly 100 lbs from my "ideal body weight" some of the exercises were a lot to take on.  But I did it!  The first day was not a breeze, but when I finally finished & collapsed in my living room floor in a pool of sweat I was SO PROUD of myself & totally exhilarated!  Sprints for sure kicked my butt, but I can already tell that they're going to help me become a better runner.  The squats have made my legs ache for days, but I can feel the strength I've gained already.  The side plank dips . . . well they just plain sucked.  Let's not lie.

After working my butt off all week I was hoping for a great number this week.  So imagine my disappointment when I saw this . . .

Previous weight : 231.5 lbs
Current weight  : 234.5 lbs

Gain of 3 lbs.

What the heck.  Yes, the Gardettos were a fail & so was a drunken diner meal on Sunday night, but I still ate well the rest of the week.  I compensated well & tracked my food, so that can't really be the issue.  I do feel like I'm retaining water somewhat & maybe I gained a little muscle?  Who knows. 

But honestly, I'm not that bent out of shape about it.  I KNOW I worked hard this week, despite literally working EVERY DAY for the last week & being home just to sleep.  I had many a chance to blow it & to break my no fast food streak (almost 5 months now!), but I didn't.  I could've easily blown off my bootcamp workout, but I didn't.  I'm up 3 lbs, but I don't care. :)