5 & 50.

So its been a few weeks.  The last month has kind of threw me through a loop.  My last post was about the devastation in Joplin.  Anything I had to say here I felt paled in comparison, to be honest.  After my visit there recently,  I just didn't know what to say.  Its much worse than the pictures show.  Much worse than the news describes.  Much worse than you can imagine.  Driving through the affected area, it felt like I was in a third world country.  Buildings in shambles, debris everywhere, people driving around in cars with no windshields or windows.  What little we were able to bring I hope makes even a little bit of difference, but its miniscule in the big picture.  While most natural disasters take 1-2 years to clean up, its going to take Joplin 3-5 years.  Mother Nature is not someone I want to mess with.

Now time to catch up since my last real post.  If we're friends on Facebook or you follow me on Twitter, then you're hip to the news that I signed up for & this past weekend did my first 5K!  I meant to do a big write up before it, but time & life got the best of me, so suprise!  I'm not going to elaborate a ton on the race, because I'm going to do a separate post about it in the next day or so. :)

I feel like I've done pretty well in the past few weeks.  A little too much eating out & too little food in my cabinets didn't make for the best choices I could have made, but all in all my moderation was in check.  One great development is that the pool is finally open!!  My friend Mackenzie has a pool in her complex, so basically I can swim whenever I want, so that rules.  I couldn't make it the first few days it was open because I was out of town & working a ton when I got back, but I quickly made up for that & swam 4 or 5 days straight.  I just need to plan meals around swimming better since I'm DYING afterwards.

So now onto the numbers.

Previous weight : 239.5
Current weight. : 236.0

Do you know what that means?

I'VE LOST 50 POUNDS!!!  Its weigh-in official today.  I've been hanging out, above & below 236 for the last couple weeks, but the last Tuesday or 2 I've been about 237.5.  Not today, though. :)

5 months ago I would have thought dropping 50 pounds was impossible.  5 months ago I wouldn't have even entertained the idea of doing a 5k, for fear of being the last one to finish. 

5 months ago I was miserable.

Today I am not.

xoxo
Karissa

I have no words.

I can't even begin to fathom what life is like in Joplin right now.  The town I've spent most of my life in/near has nearly been erased.  Gone.  Obliterated.

I've spent the bulk of my life completely terrified of storms.  As far back as I can remember I would sit paralyzed in front of the TV to see what was coming our way.  If there was a tornado watch I would overhaul our pantry in our old house in Sarcoxie, taking things I didn't need out & filling it with blankets & pillows as well as anything important to me.  That usually meant I filled up the space with nonessentials, without enough room for the rest of the family to fit in.  I would sit in that tiny space for hours on end sometimes, as long as the watch lasted.  The sad thing is that that pantry wouldn't have saved me from a tornado.  It was the central part of our house & the only place without windows, but the walls were just plaster & the doors were at most 1/4 of an inch thick. 

I've never been in a tornado, but have been terrified at the thought of it nearly all my life.  Nearly every year as far as I can remember back, there was always a town that got taken out by a storm.  Leveled.  Gone.  Demolished.  Mother Nature is quick & violent.  This time she took it out on Joplin.  The town is literally split in 2.  Unrecognizable.

Living in St Louis, I felt powerless to help.  Stuck 300 miles away wishing I was there to comfort & love my friends & family.   My cousin Vicki lost her home, as did my friend Leea's mother & my friend Arin's father.  My friend Caleb's brother was seriously injured, so was my friend Tsvia's sister.  On top of that, Tsvia's nephew Schulyar has been missing since the storm hit, his family desperately searching for him & hoping first responders took him somewhere safe.

Tuesday I am going to Joplin, to give my brothers & sisters at Solace the biggest hugs I can, to bring them supplies & serve the people of Joplin when they need it most.  My friend Matt, who at one time lived in Joplin as well, came up with a plan to organize donations for us to take to Solace (a music venue & church that I have ties to) as they have turned into a shelter & outreach for many people.  Matt manages a local Starbucks & got approval to accept donations at several locations in St Louis for us to take to Joplin.  I'm working to get my place of work to do the same & we're reaching out to all our friends to donate as well.  We have less than a week to gather supplies & I'm anxious to get everything together.

If you live in St Louis, I ask that you donate whatever you can or at least to spread the word here : http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=148111761927020

I don't feel powerless anymore.

Joplin, here I come.

I have a love affair . . .

With broccoli, its true.

Pictured is my dinner from tonight.  Its a random thrown together stir fry that turned out deeeeelish! 

Here's what's in it:

Upton's Naturals Traditional Seitan
Trader Joe's Organic Broccoli Slaw
Archer Farms Asian Ginger dressing <-- this stuff is amaaazing
Celery
Broccoli (more because we're getting married)
White Onion
Chia Seeds
Garlic
Water Chestnuts
Soy Sauce
Crushed Red Pepper
Ground Ginger
Brown Jasmine Rice

All I have to say is OMNOMNOMNOMNOM.

I'm going to (try to) keep today's entry short & sweet because I feel like when I write these huuuuuuge long entries I'm less likely to post updates.  I feel like if I post too much I'm being annoying.

The last week has been much improved.  I went to the gym a couple nights last week, which felt good since they haven't seen much of me lately.  I've been itching to sign up for a 5k & with this weekend off I had a perfect opportunity.  Except that there's not a surplus of money in my wallet, so I didn't. 

Instead I created my own.  I deemed it the Shaw Neighborhood 5k since I pretty much circled my neighborhood & I finished in 50:22.  Not too shabby since I hadn't run very much lately & was still on Week 4 of C25K.

Had a crazy weekend so I recovered the rest of the weekend & then hit the gym up last night solo.  I got in a great workout in a short period of time since I wasn't distracted & slayed Day 1 of C25K Week 5 with no problem.  For the first time I can honestly say I feel like I'm becoming a runner. :)

Onto the weigh-in.  I held steady last week so I had high hopes for this week.  My scale was acting reaaaaally crazy this afternoon & kept giving me readings all over a 5 lb range.  It was reaaaaally annoying & after I toggled a unit switch on the back it finally gave me a consistent reading, so I'm trusting its right!

Previous weight : 242.5
Current weight  : 239.5

Goodbye 240's!  I hope I don't see you ever again, no offense.
So that puts me at 46.5 pounds lost overall.  50 is SO CLOSE, I can't believe it.  I might have to have a party to celebrate when I get there. :)

Alrighty, time to sign off.  I have friends coming in super early before work to crash at my place before their show tomorrow night so I need to get to cleaning & get some sleep.

xoxo

ups & downs.

I'm in a rut. 

There's no better way to say it.

The last couple weeks have been trying & I've been lazy.  I didn't let on much on my last post (That's because I did make some progress pounds-wise & who wants to be a downer, right?), but I just feel stuck.  I've been to the gym once, maybe twice a week lately & when I'm physically there, I haven't been mentally.  Ever feel like you're just running through the motions?

The last few months have pretty much turned my life upside down & don't get me wrong, I'm THRILLED with the change I've made & the years I'm adding onto my life.  Its just that sometimes I wonder to myself if I CAN do it. 

I was an overachiever in elementary & high school, always on my game.  As an overweight child, I felt that was the only thing special about me.  Being smart made me feel worthy.  When I got made fun of, the thought that I had a one up on my bully made me feel somewhat better.  When the end of high school came around, I didn't know what to do with myself.  All the things I had considered doing with my life were all up in the air & the guidance I had was next to none.  I only applied to one university, knowing I'd get accepted there, with absolutely NO IDEA what I was getting myself into.

That's where everything changed.  There was no one telling me what class to sign up for, no one making me get up in the morning for class.  I was an adult now, I could do whatever I wanted.  That I did.  If there's one thing I wish I could go back & fix, that would be it.  I had school paid for, for the most part & I let it slip away.  I let it all pass me by & here I sit 7 years later wondering what the hell happened, still in debt for the degree I never finished.  Where is that smart girl at?  If being smart was what made me worthy, what am I now?

Years & years of that on my shoulders & its no wonder I was where I was.  The pressure & guilt of wasting the last 9 years of my life is immense & still on top of me to this day. 

The absolute worst part of it all, though, is dissappointing my Mom.  I know she wanted more for me.  I know she wishes I wasn't living paycheck to paycheck, barely scraping by.  More than anyone, she believed in me.  And I let her down.

I'm tired of being a dissappointment.  To my Mom, my family & to myself.  The last 4 months have been a new beginning for me, changing me inside & out.  I'm so incredibly proud of myself for losing 43 & a half pounds.  My friends are proud of me, my coworkers are proud of me & most importantly my Mom is proud of me.  The sound in her voice & the exclamation points in her texts when I tell her I've lost more are what has kept me going lately.  I am forever thankful to have her as my mother.

I totally did not mean for this post to turn into a sobfest, but that's just sort of where it led me.  I think I just really needed to put it into words.

As for the last week, like I said, I've been lazy.  I went to the gym twice, I think.  Not ending up doing much either time (last night I spent more time talking to one of the employees there, our friend Jay, than anything at all-there's a funny story I'll put up in a day or 2 about that, actually).  I've managed to keep my diet mostly in check, though.  That's probably all that saved me this week.

Previous weight : 242.5
Current weight. : 242.5
No change this week.

I need to make some serious adjustments to get back on track this week.  The first is to stop making excuses.  Work, the rain or watching The Office shouldn't stop me from working out.  Besides, if I don't make it to the gym more, how am I ever going to steal the mayorship on foursquare?  Priorities, people.

xoxo

It's still Tuesday if I'm awake!

The last few weeks have been SO busy.  Since my last blog I've managed to pick up a promoting job, getting back into music (which has been missing from my life for too long).  My new "boss" has quickly become a new friend & I feel SUPER appreciated, which is oh so nice.  At my normal job, we finally got a new store manager so things are a little topsy turvy there & I'm teetering on the edge of a promotion, but the stars all need to align for that to happen.  It seems my free time has become few & far between.  My cat isn't too happy about that.

While I may not be the most consistent blogger (I'm sorry I suck at being timely!), I try.  And believe me when I say that getting healthy is one of the hardest, time-consuming, expensive things I've chose to undertake.  Suprisingly this is the most consistent I've been with anything in YEARS.  I'm rarely on time, slack on responding to people, avoid confrontation like nobodys business, but I have done so remarkably well with my diet that I'm astounded.  Yes, I've had a few slipups here & there (there were cookies in the breakroom & I was stressed out.  Whoops.), but overall I can't believe how good I'm doing.  I've been slacking on tracking the specifics of what I'm eating, but I pay close attention to the content of my food before it ever makes it in my cart & now it seems I'm eating a lot more intuitively.  I totally stopped tracking every bite that goes in my mouth & have been working out way less than I had been.  But it seems I'm having a bit more success this way?  Here's what I'm talking about : weigh-in time!

Previous weight : 250.0
Current weight. : 242.5
Loss of 7.5 lbs

In 3 weeks I've dropped almost another 8 pounds.  Dang!  I'm beginning to wonder if I was doing TOO much for my calorie intake & my body wasn't quite happy with me.  For quite awhile I was going for what My Fitness Pal had calculated my daily intake to be (which dropped to 1550 calories on the last update & changed to 1460 with this weigh-in), but with as much activity as I was doing, I don't think it was right.  I was hovering around 250 for weeks & I think that's why.  I think my body was a bit angry.

I'm so proud of myself overall.  I've had a lot of things to deal with lately & for the most part I haven't let it get the best of me.  I may have neglected a few updates to my blog, but I still made progress.  That's the important thing, right?

I'm putting my best foot forward & vowing to update this darn thing more often.  At least that is if anyone still is keeping up with me. :)

xoxo

Fighter.

The past few days have been really rough emotionally.  Without going into details I've watched a friendship dissolve in front of me & I'm left flabbergasted & more sad that I can express.  I've spent a large chunk of the last 48 hours crying & I'm really really suprised I didn't turn to food as a comfort.  That is about the only thing keeping me going right now.

I am much stronger than I've ever given myself credit for.

I had a long talk with my Mom tonight which helped ease my anxiety a bit.  That & my best friends talking me through it have kept me sane.  I don't know that I've had a support system this great ever before.  You girls mean the world to me.

Now on to the numbers.

Last time I weighed in here, which was March 10th I weighed :
258.5 lbs
As of this morning I weighed in at
250.0 lbs

250 right on the dot!  8.5 lbs in a month ain't too shabby is it?!
So that brings my total loss too:
36 pounds.

I want to break the 240's officially next week & get ever so close to my reward for 50 lbs lost-the sweeeeeet pasta maker I want on Amazon!!

I'm going to sign off for now, as I'm waiting for my friend to get off work so we can go hang out & listen to pop-punk at Flamingo Bowl.

xoxo

PS: does anyone still read this?

Consistency

That word above is not always my strong point.

Now don't start to think that means that I've started eating everything in sight & stopped going to the gym.  I've been slacking on tracking & failed at updating my blog for a few weeks, that is true.  That's where my inconsistency shines.  But I have been eating more intuitively & working out on a regular basis (more so outside because its been so nice!!). 

I haven't posted for a few weeks because I had a disappointing week.  I wasn't satisfied with my progress, despite my best efforts so I was hesistant to share.  I am all about sharing my successes & progress, but I feel pitiful sharing my shortcomings.  I didn't even do anything terrible, I just had one of those weeks where for some unknown reason I didn't lose.  Why do I let these things get me down?

I have progressed since my last post, though.  I've lost pounds, my clothes are falling off even more so & I can see the changes in my face, collarbone, legs & stomach.  Weight loss has such a profound effect on your body.  When I was slowly gaining weight over the years I didn't see (at least not consciously) what I was doing to myself.  Sure I noticed when a new stretch mark manifested itself or I had to buy a bigger size, but going back the opposite way its a lot easier to notice these things.

Today isn't Tuesday, so its not an official weigh-in day, but I'm happy to report that I reached my first goal I put in the last post.  I haven't went to get my pedicure yet, but I will be treating myself to it soon!  Since then I've dropped another 5 pounds to bring me to 251 the last time I hopped on the scale (I was down to 249.5 but I've been jumping all around the 250 range the last week or so).

Reaching 250 is a big deal for me.  I don't even know the last time my weight was this low.  My drivers license has said 250 since I renewed it in August of 09 (let's just say I was rounding down a bit).  So as of the last week or so, my drivers license isn't lying anymore!  I don't think I've EVER had the correct weight on my license in the last 10 years.  I believe I put 180 when I first got my permit & kept it there for years, too ashamed to speak up & say it was much, much higher. 

I don't have to hide my weight anymore.  That's a big deal for me.  Broadcasting my business on this blog, Facebook & Twitter for my friends, family & strangers to see is terrifying to me, but necessary to hold myself accountable.  If I had kept this to myself, I know I would have failed without the support that has come from suprising places & people.  The simplest thing, like someone "liking" my run on Facebook keeps me motivated to go run again tomorrow, not to mention the constant encouragement I get on my posts & status updates.

This change is one of the few things in my life that is solely about ME.  No one can take this from me, no one can make me succeed or fail, but everyone can support me.  I've found support in the most surprising places, from people I only talk to online, while people I see all the time have let me down. 

When I stopped going out & drinking as often, I feel like I've lost a lot of my friends.  When I try to get people together without it involving alcohol or a bar, it never happens.  If that's all our friendship revolves around, just know that it really hurts that I'm nothing more to you than a drinking buddy.  This change is SO HARD for me.  Harder than most people could ever realize.  To then see that the people around you, who you depend on don't seem to support you, makes it infinitely harder.  I can't @ reply someone on Twitter for a hug when I've had a shitty day, I can't cry on the shoulder of someone on Facebook chat.  I NEED MY FRIENDS.  Not to say all my friends are like this, I do have a support system that keeps me going, but its infinitely smaller than the group of friends here that once surrounded me.

I guess its time to stop word vomiting on this post, but I just needed to share how I felt today.  Today has been rough, but I've made it through with the girls I've been talking to today.  I just want you guys to know that you've made all the difference in the world to me.  Mackenzie, Terra & Emily, I love you guys. :)

My "official" weigh-in post will be up tomorrow, I promise!  No more blog vacations, hold me to that.

xoxo