kaleidoscope heart

I've been trying to write this post for 2 months.  I've opened up Blogger, written a bit, but never got across what I wanted to say.  Tried again the next week, the next month.  Nothing.  I haven't had the time, energy, effort or strength to try any harder. 

I've been burnt out.

The last week or so I've felt different.  Not that everything in my life is magically fixed now (will it ever?), but I feel in control for the moment.  In charge of the chaos, let's say.

In the last 2 months :
My phone was stolen.
Somehow hurt my shoulder to the point I couldn't lift anything.
My living situation became intolerable.
I hastily moved to a new place.
Aggravated a recurring knee injury while moving.
I turned 27.
Finished 6 months without fast food.
Blew that on a visit to Little Caesars after a bad day.
Felt like a stranger in my own home.
Went for not one, but 2 promotions at work I didn't get.
Got stood up.

And that's not everything, but all I'll disclose for now.  Needless to say, the past 2 months sucked.  I did let my emotions & old habits get the best of me a bit, but overall I think I stayed in control (minus that week or so of avoiding the gym like the plague).

Today isn't official weigh-in day or anything but I want to attach some numbers to where I've been the last 2 months.  Last time I updated here I was at 234.5 after a 3 lb gain that week.  Today I was at 220 even.  That brings me to 66 lbs total that I've lost in the last 8 months & I can't be upset about that, right?

I've had a great last week or so in general.  I've felt like nothing can bring me down. 

Since I like lists here is what is putting a smile on face :
I have an awesome new opportunity at work I can hopefully get.
Registered for Warrior Dash on October 15th!
I got a call for an interview at SweetArt (my favorite local restaurant)
Had a delightful dinner with a super nice guy who loves Saves The Day as much as I do. 

Its the little things.

I'll leave you with these lyrics from Sara Bareilles.  She rules.

All the colors of the rainbow, hidden 'neath my skin
Hearts have colors, don't we all know.
Red runs through our veins.
Feel the fire burning up, inspire me with blood of blue & green
I have hope
Inside is not a heart, but a kaleidoscope

xoxo

Content.

Today's entry comes to you from the seats of The Muny, theco nations oldest & largest outdoor theater.  I got here early to nab some free seats & have 20 minutes until curtain, so why not write a blog?

Today was weigh-in day.  I didn't expect anything major after last week's 4.5 lb drop, but I was super active this week & stayed well within my calorie goals for the week (Yes, even with that whole bag of Gardettos I devoured in 4 days.  Lesson learned). 

This last week was the start of the Shrinking Jeans Burst Into Summer Challenge.  Part of the challenge is a 6 week bootcamp.  As I mentioned last week, I started a few days late due to work taking over my life, but I caught up!  I did the Week 1 workout on Wednesday, Friday & Sunday & did Week 2, Day 1 yesterday (ouch).  I would be lying if I said it was easy.  As someone still nearly 100 lbs from my "ideal body weight" some of the exercises were a lot to take on.  But I did it!  The first day was not a breeze, but when I finally finished & collapsed in my living room floor in a pool of sweat I was SO PROUD of myself & totally exhilarated!  Sprints for sure kicked my butt, but I can already tell that they're going to help me become a better runner.  The squats have made my legs ache for days, but I can feel the strength I've gained already.  The side plank dips . . . well they just plain sucked.  Let's not lie.

After working my butt off all week I was hoping for a great number this week.  So imagine my disappointment when I saw this . . .

Previous weight : 231.5 lbs
Current weight  : 234.5 lbs

Gain of 3 lbs.

What the heck.  Yes, the Gardettos were a fail & so was a drunken diner meal on Sunday night, but I still ate well the rest of the week.  I compensated well & tracked my food, so that can't really be the issue.  I do feel like I'm retaining water somewhat & maybe I gained a little muscle?  Who knows. 

But honestly, I'm not that bent out of shape about it.  I KNOW I worked hard this week, despite literally working EVERY DAY for the last week & being home just to sleep.  I had many a chance to blow it & to break my no fast food streak (almost 5 months now!), but I didn't.  I could've easily blown off my bootcamp workout, but I didn't.  I'm up 3 lbs, but I don't care. :)

xoxo
Karissa

Follow through.

The past month or so, I haven't been very on top of my game.  Gym visits have been fewer & far between & I haven't been tracking accurately at all (I have definitely been calorie conscious).  That resulted in not much progress. 

After my race (recap soon, I swear!) I feel rejuvenated, but I'm still lacking in my follow through.  thus my dry erase board weekly calendar is born!  I'm a procrastinator at heart.  I can always finish the dishes later or put my laundry away tomorrow.  Its really easy for me to let workouts go to the wayside if I run out of time.  My solution is to schedule my time better.  Working random different hours throws me off most of the time, so if I plot out what I need to do in advance I'll be more likely to do it.  I need to stop fitting exercise into my schedule only when my friends go to the gym.

This last week I am back on my game.  I've made a couple late night gym visits, swam & had a few impromptu home workouts as well (which is hard to make myself do without a dvd player!)  My enthusiasm is a little surprising, honestly, but I'm pretty excited about the progress I made this week.

Previous weight : 236.0 lbs
Current weight. : 231.5 lbs
Loss of 4.5 lbs!!

I literally stepped on the scale this morning & said "You've got to be shitting me."  I was definitely a bit shocked, but very happy with that number.  I guess that's what happens when you step up your workouts, track your food & eat well, eh?  Another exciting milestone is that at this weight my BMI is officially under 40!  I started with a BMI of 49.1 & now it is 39.7.  Wow.

This week also marks the start of the Shrinking Jeans Burst Into Summer challenge, which I spur of the moment signed up for last week!  Its an 11-week long team challenge with a 6 week bootcamp.  I missed the first workout yesterday due to getting called into work, but I'm going to catch up tonight or get up early & do it tomorrow.  I needed something different to mix up my workouts & I think this will definitely spice things up a bit.

I'm continually shocked by the progress I've made in the last (near) 6 months.  Everytime I get a compliment from someone I'm still flabbergasted & don't know quite how to react.  I can't remember the last time I had this much drive to finish something without being so scared that I was going to fail.  Don't get me wrong, I'm still scared.  Slightly terrified, even.  The difference is I KNOW I can do this.  Its all in my hands.  Everyday I feel more comfortable in my skin & its the best feeling.

xoxo
Karissa

Tuck & roll.

Ever feel like some things you have to say aren't important enough to blog?  I feel that way most of the time, but nonetheless, here I am.  Today I am going to share a NSV (for those not aware, that means a Non-Scale Victory).  Its minor, but significant to me.  Something that most people wouldn't think twice about.

Yesterday I tucked in my shirt.

Yes, this is something I'm required to do as part of the dress code at the job I've worked at for over 3 years.  No, until yesterday I hadn't ever done it once.  Sure, I faked it.  I would just roll the edges underneath & periodically check to make sure it hadn't fallen down.  It was obvious, I'm sure. 

Being overweight nearly my entire life I can't clearly remember ever actually tucking in a shirt.  When you carry so much weight around your midsection, there is nothing in the WORLD that makes you want to make it more obvious.  Tucking in a shirt makes you feel as if you look like Violet from Willy Wonka after she turns into a blueberry.  Huge & round.

After wearing my new skirt on Saturday I just got (a size 20 that's a little roomy, I might add), I noticed my fake tuck wasn't working so well with the polyester-type fabric-it kept falling down every few minutes.  So when I got dressed for my impromptu shift on Sunday I thought to myself "Hey, you look pretty good in this skirt."  I didn't look bulbous around my midsection (though believe me, it hasn't gone away).  I looked sort of normal.  So I decided to try an experiment.  "Well I'll tuck it in, just to see how it looks." I said to myself.  After a few adjustments it was in place & I was actually okay with how it looked. 

Wait a minute.  How did that happen?

In all my 26 + years I've never been okay with this & all of a sudden I'm a normal shirt-tucking member of society.  Its going to take a while for me to get used to this.

xoxo
Karissa

PS : Race recap is still coming, I promise.

5 & 50.

So its been a few weeks.  The last month has kind of threw me through a loop.  My last post was about the devastation in Joplin.  Anything I had to say here I felt paled in comparison, to be honest.  After my visit there recently,  I just didn't know what to say.  Its much worse than the pictures show.  Much worse than the news describes.  Much worse than you can imagine.  Driving through the affected area, it felt like I was in a third world country.  Buildings in shambles, debris everywhere, people driving around in cars with no windshields or windows.  What little we were able to bring I hope makes even a little bit of difference, but its miniscule in the big picture.  While most natural disasters take 1-2 years to clean up, its going to take Joplin 3-5 years.  Mother Nature is not someone I want to mess with.

Now time to catch up since my last real post.  If we're friends on Facebook or you follow me on Twitter, then you're hip to the news that I signed up for & this past weekend did my first 5K!  I meant to do a big write up before it, but time & life got the best of me, so suprise!  I'm not going to elaborate a ton on the race, because I'm going to do a separate post about it in the next day or so. :)

I feel like I've done pretty well in the past few weeks.  A little too much eating out & too little food in my cabinets didn't make for the best choices I could have made, but all in all my moderation was in check.  One great development is that the pool is finally open!!  My friend Mackenzie has a pool in her complex, so basically I can swim whenever I want, so that rules.  I couldn't make it the first few days it was open because I was out of town & working a ton when I got back, but I quickly made up for that & swam 4 or 5 days straight.  I just need to plan meals around swimming better since I'm DYING afterwards.

So now onto the numbers.

Previous weight : 239.5
Current weight. : 236.0

Do you know what that means?

I'VE LOST 50 POUNDS!!!  Its weigh-in official today.  I've been hanging out, above & below 236 for the last couple weeks, but the last Tuesday or 2 I've been about 237.5.  Not today, though. :)

5 months ago I would have thought dropping 50 pounds was impossible.  5 months ago I wouldn't have even entertained the idea of doing a 5k, for fear of being the last one to finish. 

5 months ago I was miserable.

Today I am not.

xoxo
Karissa

I have no words.

I can't even begin to fathom what life is like in Joplin right now.  The town I've spent most of my life in/near has nearly been erased.  Gone.  Obliterated.

I've spent the bulk of my life completely terrified of storms.  As far back as I can remember I would sit paralyzed in front of the TV to see what was coming our way.  If there was a tornado watch I would overhaul our pantry in our old house in Sarcoxie, taking things I didn't need out & filling it with blankets & pillows as well as anything important to me.  That usually meant I filled up the space with nonessentials, without enough room for the rest of the family to fit in.  I would sit in that tiny space for hours on end sometimes, as long as the watch lasted.  The sad thing is that that pantry wouldn't have saved me from a tornado.  It was the central part of our house & the only place without windows, but the walls were just plaster & the doors were at most 1/4 of an inch thick. 

I've never been in a tornado, but have been terrified at the thought of it nearly all my life.  Nearly every year as far as I can remember back, there was always a town that got taken out by a storm.  Leveled.  Gone.  Demolished.  Mother Nature is quick & violent.  This time she took it out on Joplin.  The town is literally split in 2.  Unrecognizable.

Living in St Louis, I felt powerless to help.  Stuck 300 miles away wishing I was there to comfort & love my friends & family.   My cousin Vicki lost her home, as did my friend Leea's mother & my friend Arin's father.  My friend Caleb's brother was seriously injured, so was my friend Tsvia's sister.  On top of that, Tsvia's nephew Schulyar has been missing since the storm hit, his family desperately searching for him & hoping first responders took him somewhere safe.

Tuesday I am going to Joplin, to give my brothers & sisters at Solace the biggest hugs I can, to bring them supplies & serve the people of Joplin when they need it most.  My friend Matt, who at one time lived in Joplin as well, came up with a plan to organize donations for us to take to Solace (a music venue & church that I have ties to) as they have turned into a shelter & outreach for many people.  Matt manages a local Starbucks & got approval to accept donations at several locations in St Louis for us to take to Joplin.  I'm working to get my place of work to do the same & we're reaching out to all our friends to donate as well.  We have less than a week to gather supplies & I'm anxious to get everything together.

If you live in St Louis, I ask that you donate whatever you can or at least to spread the word here : http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=148111761927020

I don't feel powerless anymore.

Joplin, here I come.

I have a love affair . . .

With broccoli, its true.

Pictured is my dinner from tonight.  Its a random thrown together stir fry that turned out deeeeelish! 

Here's what's in it:

Upton's Naturals Traditional Seitan
Trader Joe's Organic Broccoli Slaw
Archer Farms Asian Ginger dressing <-- this stuff is amaaazing
Celery
Broccoli (more because we're getting married)
White Onion
Chia Seeds
Garlic
Water Chestnuts
Soy Sauce
Crushed Red Pepper
Ground Ginger
Brown Jasmine Rice

All I have to say is OMNOMNOMNOMNOM.

I'm going to (try to) keep today's entry short & sweet because I feel like when I write these huuuuuuge long entries I'm less likely to post updates.  I feel like if I post too much I'm being annoying.

The last week has been much improved.  I went to the gym a couple nights last week, which felt good since they haven't seen much of me lately.  I've been itching to sign up for a 5k & with this weekend off I had a perfect opportunity.  Except that there's not a surplus of money in my wallet, so I didn't. 

Instead I created my own.  I deemed it the Shaw Neighborhood 5k since I pretty much circled my neighborhood & I finished in 50:22.  Not too shabby since I hadn't run very much lately & was still on Week 4 of C25K.

Had a crazy weekend so I recovered the rest of the weekend & then hit the gym up last night solo.  I got in a great workout in a short period of time since I wasn't distracted & slayed Day 1 of C25K Week 5 with no problem.  For the first time I can honestly say I feel like I'm becoming a runner. :)

Onto the weigh-in.  I held steady last week so I had high hopes for this week.  My scale was acting reaaaaally crazy this afternoon & kept giving me readings all over a 5 lb range.  It was reaaaaally annoying & after I toggled a unit switch on the back it finally gave me a consistent reading, so I'm trusting its right!

Previous weight : 242.5
Current weight  : 239.5

Goodbye 240's!  I hope I don't see you ever again, no offense.
So that puts me at 46.5 pounds lost overall.  50 is SO CLOSE, I can't believe it.  I might have to have a party to celebrate when I get there. :)

Alrighty, time to sign off.  I have friends coming in super early before work to crash at my place before their show tomorrow night so I need to get to cleaning & get some sleep.

xoxo