Consistency

That word above is not always my strong point.

Now don't start to think that means that I've started eating everything in sight & stopped going to the gym.  I've been slacking on tracking & failed at updating my blog for a few weeks, that is true.  That's where my inconsistency shines.  But I have been eating more intuitively & working out on a regular basis (more so outside because its been so nice!!). 

I haven't posted for a few weeks because I had a disappointing week.  I wasn't satisfied with my progress, despite my best efforts so I was hesistant to share.  I am all about sharing my successes & progress, but I feel pitiful sharing my shortcomings.  I didn't even do anything terrible, I just had one of those weeks where for some unknown reason I didn't lose.  Why do I let these things get me down?

I have progressed since my last post, though.  I've lost pounds, my clothes are falling off even more so & I can see the changes in my face, collarbone, legs & stomach.  Weight loss has such a profound effect on your body.  When I was slowly gaining weight over the years I didn't see (at least not consciously) what I was doing to myself.  Sure I noticed when a new stretch mark manifested itself or I had to buy a bigger size, but going back the opposite way its a lot easier to notice these things.

Today isn't Tuesday, so its not an official weigh-in day, but I'm happy to report that I reached my first goal I put in the last post.  I haven't went to get my pedicure yet, but I will be treating myself to it soon!  Since then I've dropped another 5 pounds to bring me to 251 the last time I hopped on the scale (I was down to 249.5 but I've been jumping all around the 250 range the last week or so).

Reaching 250 is a big deal for me.  I don't even know the last time my weight was this low.  My drivers license has said 250 since I renewed it in August of 09 (let's just say I was rounding down a bit).  So as of the last week or so, my drivers license isn't lying anymore!  I don't think I've EVER had the correct weight on my license in the last 10 years.  I believe I put 180 when I first got my permit & kept it there for years, too ashamed to speak up & say it was much, much higher. 

I don't have to hide my weight anymore.  That's a big deal for me.  Broadcasting my business on this blog, Facebook & Twitter for my friends, family & strangers to see is terrifying to me, but necessary to hold myself accountable.  If I had kept this to myself, I know I would have failed without the support that has come from suprising places & people.  The simplest thing, like someone "liking" my run on Facebook keeps me motivated to go run again tomorrow, not to mention the constant encouragement I get on my posts & status updates.

This change is one of the few things in my life that is solely about ME.  No one can take this from me, no one can make me succeed or fail, but everyone can support me.  I've found support in the most surprising places, from people I only talk to online, while people I see all the time have let me down. 

When I stopped going out & drinking as often, I feel like I've lost a lot of my friends.  When I try to get people together without it involving alcohol or a bar, it never happens.  If that's all our friendship revolves around, just know that it really hurts that I'm nothing more to you than a drinking buddy.  This change is SO HARD for me.  Harder than most people could ever realize.  To then see that the people around you, who you depend on don't seem to support you, makes it infinitely harder.  I can't @ reply someone on Twitter for a hug when I've had a shitty day, I can't cry on the shoulder of someone on Facebook chat.  I NEED MY FRIENDS.  Not to say all my friends are like this, I do have a support system that keeps me going, but its infinitely smaller than the group of friends here that once surrounded me.

I guess its time to stop word vomiting on this post, but I just needed to share how I felt today.  Today has been rough, but I've made it through with the girls I've been talking to today.  I just want you guys to know that you've made all the difference in the world to me.  Mackenzie, Terra & Emily, I love you guys. :)

My "official" weigh-in post will be up tomorrow, I promise!  No more blog vacations, hold me to that.

xoxo

Goals.

When I started this blog, the purpose was to be active, eat better & ultimately lose weight.  Besides that purpose, I didn't really set any concrete goals.  I've been thinking about that & there are some goals I'm setting out after.

-Take my daily vitamin.
I've had a bottle of 130 vitamins in my bathroom cabinet for over a year now.  Let's just say its not empty.

-Work on my bingo wing.
Now you might be asking what a bingo wing is.  Its a term my friend Terra coined for that lovely portion of your underarm.  Imagine an old lady playing bingo raise up her arm & shake it all around yelling "BINGO!"  You get the drift.  I can't remember a single time in my life I've been comfortable in something sleeveless & I want that to change.  I've been doing some upper body strength training already, so I'm thinking of chronicling it as Bingo Wing Wednesdays.  Lame?

-Run a 5k
Yes, I put the word run there.  Walking a 5k would be a piece of cake, I've walked longer in the park by my house.  I'm starting a 5k in 100 days program soon thanks to Brad Gansberg (he's teaching a 100 people for free, isn't that awesome?) & can't wait to make this a reality.  I'm looking at the Susan G Komen race in June for this (depending on when training gets started).  I'm also going to look into walking some other races too!

Those are just 3 of the things I'm striving for right now in addition to eating better, getting fit & getting rid of this weight.  As far as my goal weight goes, besides considering what's normal for my height, I'm not sure where I want to end up.  When I look & feel like I'm where I need to be, then I'll be happy (but my grandpa's offer to give me a $1 for each pound I lose has me extra motivated to lose it all!). 

I do, however, want to celebrate the milestones I'll reach along the way.  As of last week I sit at 27.5 pounds lost, so 30 is SO CLOSE.  Who knows?  I could easily hit it tomorrow when I do my weigh-in.  These are some of the rewards I'm going to bestow upon myself when I get there.

30 pounds
-Get a pedicure!  I have never treated myself to one & with all I'm putting my feet through, they deserve some pampering.

50 pounds
-Buy the pasta press I've been eyeing on Amazon for the last 3 months.  I was going to get a cheap one with Christmas funds, but saving for the awesome one!

75 pounds
-Have a spa day with the works (possibly with my Mom if I can get her to visit!).  A whole day devoted to relaxing.  Ahhhhhh . . .

100 pounds
-Get my first tattoo.  This is something I've been wanting to get for a loooooong time.  Its a piece of artwork my mother did that is inspired by my grandmother (RIP).  Its a piece I've always loved & it always reminded me of my grandma long before I knew it was about her.  It means a lot to me & I can't wait for it!

For numbers bigger than that, I haven't decided on.  When I reach goal, though I want to do something big.  Anyone wanna donate to send me on a cruise? :)

xoxo

+/-

The last week has been tumultuous at best. 

I took a couple rest days because my crappy shoes were making my feet throb after walking a couple miles.  I kept my eating in check calorie-wise, despite not tracking everything as well as I should have.  I do think I ate too much of some things (bread & cheese) while forgetting to get enough veggies & fruit in the way I have been.  That on top of a ton of unneeded stress with my living situation & being a whiny girl has left me unmotivated & pissed off.

Previous weight : 258.5
Current weight. : 258.5
No loss/gain this week.

I still worked out solidly 3 days & didn't overeat but I find the number on the scale this week unchanged.  I didn't do terribly this week, but I didn't do great either.  I probably had too much sodium (not tracking everything hurt me there).  On days I work, I drink tons of water, off days this week I didn't.

I didn't lose anything this week, but I didn't gain either.  I had opportunities to drink myself silly, thoughts of raiding the fridge to deal with my frustration, but I didn't.  For that I am proud!

One good thing from this past week is that I got new shoes!  I went to Big River Running Company (http://www.bigriverrunning.com/) here in St Louis to see about getting fitted for some shoes.  One of the employees there, Luke, helped me out.  He watched me walk & his assessment was that I am an overpronator (especially my right foot) & have low arches.  He recommended shoes with moderate stability & brought out a couple different choices.  After 20 minutes or so and some trial & error I decided on a pair of New Balance 860's!  Surprisingly they were only a size 9 & the normal width (I usually buy a 9 1/2 or 10 in wide width if they have it).  They were more than I have ever spent on a pair of shoes in my life, but I know they're necessary for me to keep going.

That's where I'll leave off for tonight.  I have tomorrow off with a possible Zumba class in the AM & a walk in Tower Grove Park planned with a friend from work in the afternoon.  Here's to good choices this week & having a better attitude.  I may not be able to control the behavior of those around me, but I need to stop letting it get the best of me.

xoxo

You say that I'm a mess, tell me I'm a wreck. . .

This post comes to you from inside the walls of Atomic Cowboy in StL. 

Here I sit, alone, in a booth in a room full of people.  I've been here for over an hour, but can't seem to enjoy myself in the slightest.  A few drinks down & I still can't fight the nonsense going on in my head. 

After work I came home, relaxed a bit, then started to get ready to go out.  As I got ready I went through the clothes in my room over & over.  Nothing looked good on me.  Everything has awkward gapes & its not flattering.  At all.  I finally found a t-shirt I felt mildy comfortable wearing & pretty much gave up.  My wardbrobe is disappointing to say the least.

But I was excited to go out; excited to see my friends; excited to relax for a couple hours.  But apparently I'm incapable of that tonight.  Ever since I got here tonight, I can't overcome my awkward nature.  I can't get out of my head.  I feel INCREDIBLY insecure (the worst I've felt in a long time) & honestly, I'm doing my best not to burst into tears right now in public.

I don't know what it is tonight.  Is it because my clothes don't fit me right?  Is it because my friends are all of doing their own thing?  Is it because the guy I like hasn't given me the time of day?  Really I think its my mind playing tricks on me.  I've been too on top of my game lately.  A little too on top of it.  Is this my minds way of attacking me?

I'm not quite sure, but I don't like it in the slightest. 

The only night out I've had in a week & its ruined.  Time to go home.

I'm on the right track, baby . . .

Sorry.  I can't get that GaGa song out of my head.

But I DO feel like I'm on the right track today.  I woke up refreshed from a full night of sleep after I made the elliptical cry last night at the gym.  I've been active every day since Thursday & I don't even know when my next rest day will be.  I tried to talk myself into one the other day, but then asked myself, "Why??"  I don't feel worn out, I feel energetic so what's the harm!

This last week has been a blast.  Tuesday night was Ke$ha (my total pop guilty pleasure) with my buddy Kristen who came from Joplin to see her with me.  The show was downright ridiculous, we danced & it was soooo good to see Kristen (we haven't really spent time together since her wedding in June).  We ate out since she was in town & I was pretty apprehensive, to say the least.  I did indulge a bit, but I tracked everything & still managed to stay within my calories for the day.  I ate macaroni & cheese (my favoritest thing in the world) and mozzarella sticks and managed to not overdo it?  Say whaaaaaat?  SO proud of myself.

Wednesday was also fabulous.  I took it easy during the day, gearing up to go see one of my absolute favorite bands, Eisley.  (Side note : GO CHECK OUT THEIR NEW ALBUM!  Its only $5 on amazon.com & they have the voices of angels.  Gorgeous scorned girl music at its best.)  Had to go it alone, but ended up loving it regardless & took home their new album on beautiful transparent red vinyl.  After that it was out to meet up with friends for our weekly outing to Dollar Bin (aka $1 PBR night, the only night I indulge myself & have a beer or 2).  I got so many compliments from friends I don't see as much & it warmed my heart to know they've taken notice.

The rest of the week honestly flew by with work & working out.  Hit up the gym a few times, took an awesome 3.4 mile walk through the park I live next to (I only meant to do 2!), then rode my bike for the first time this year through the park & around my awesome neighborhood.

I honestly don't know how its Tuesday already, but that means its weigh-in time!

Previous weight : 262.5
Current weight.  : 258.5
Loss of 4 lbs!

Total of 27.5 lbs lost. :)

Freaking A!  I stepped on & off the scale like 6 times to make sure this was right.  4 lbs the week I started off not working out for 2 days, ate mac & cheese & mozzarella sticks?  I guess that says something for moderation & being active every day!  I've tracked really well this week & make good use of my allotted calories, so I earned it.  I just sort of can't believe it!

I've been in a terrible mood the last few days (its my inner Oi Oi punk coming out) & wanted to yell at everyone/smash things.  Took it out on the elliptical last night, so I feel better (still need to have a talk with someone avoiding me).  Then the scale had to go & be all sweet.  Today is a good day!  Time to repeat my walk in the park now, cause its BEAUTIFUL outside & 53°!  Viva la Spring!

xoxo

Hey, remember me?

I have neglected my blog for a few weeks.  I know I've neglected it.  I thought about it a lot, actually.  My mind was at war with me & instead of dealing with it, I recoiled.  For that I am sorry to the few people that read this thing.

When I was due for my weigh-in 2 weeks ago, I stepped on the scale to see that I'd gained a pound.  A pound.  One measly, tiny, miniscule pound.  I didn't go to the gym much that week (I let the snowstorm be my excuse for that instead of working out at home) & after being really sick on Superbowl Sunday I had a slight encounter with Little Caesars.  So wasn't suprised, just a little disappointed.  I let that disappointment dwell & dwell on me.  I dwelled on it to the point I was too ashamed to write a blog that day.  Then the next day, & the next, & the next, so on & so forth.  I let ONE POUND get the best of me.

So instead of sucking it up & dealing with it, I avoided it (I'm super good at that).  But was I going to just abandon my blog?  No, I wasn't giving up on it & definitely not giving up on my journey.

So let's catch up.

Weigh-Ins
Tuesday, February 8th
Previous weight : 267.5
Current weight.  : 268.5
Gain of 1 lb.

Tuesday, February 15th
Previous weight : 268.5
Current weight.  : 266.0
Loss of 2.5 lbs!

I fought back the next week, kicked that pound off my body for the last time & said adios to 1 & 1/2 more.  Mentally I'm back.  No more excuses for not working out.  There are plenty of things I can do at home if I'm stuck & I shouldn't depend on the gym completely.  Also, my friend Emily over at http://biglifelittleblog.blogspot.com & started a No Fast Food 90 day challenge, so no Little Caesars for a long time!

That takes us to today.

Previous weight : 266.0
Current Weight. : 262.5
Loss of 3.5 lbs!!

Total loss of 23.5 lbs this year.
(Stoked!)

I'm on track mentally, physically & emotionally again.  Its feels good to see the scale reflect it.  I promise I won't let my blogs go by the wayside again (& I want to start posting lots of recipes!), but I must cut this one short.  But don't worry, I'm not sitting at home moping.  I'm with one of my good friends, Kristen, who came up from Joplin to see Ke$ha with me tonight.  We are patiently awaiting for the hot mess to begin.  Dance party time (aka hidden cardio)!!!!

xoxo

Weigh-In #3 & Potluck!

(pictured : the Quinoa Black Bean Salad I made for work this weekend.  More on that later.)

I have failed at blogging since my weigh-in last week, but to be fair I've been crazy busy & havent had a day off work since!

Being more active, I have already noticed a huge difference in my everyday life.  I have more energy, stamina & I feel like I can go non-stop some days.  Before, I would go to work lethargic, come home tired & plop down in the recliner.  Usually after that the rest of my day would slip away watching TV or going out until super late & drinking.  The difference is ridiculous & I'm left wondering how I functioned before, in all honesty.

My groceries are already waning & without much extra $$ to spend for now, I've been worried I would stop & grab fast food or make something easy.  But guess what, I haven't!  Not to say I havent had the chance, but my resolve has been strong.  I got offered a piece of Domino's pizza by a co-worker & turned it down.  That.  Is.  Weird.

Speaking of work, we had a potluck over the weekend to celebrate the end of the fiscal year.  I decided to bring something different than the usual fare, that was vegan & healthy.  After some googling I decided on a Quinoa Black Bean Salad recipe I found HERE.  It turned out AWESOME!  It was spicy & limey (I am a lime juice junkie) & delicious.  I also made a fresh batch of Whole Wheat Pita Bread that was super yummy.  Judging by the empty container when I went home Sunday, my co-workers liked it too.

Alrighty, on to the weigh-in.  I've ate really well this past week & worked out every day but yesterday I think & I definitely saw the results!

Previous weight : 272 lbs

Current weight : 267.5 lbs

Loss of :  4.5 lbs

Total lost : 18.5 lbs.

I didnt quite believe the scale when I saw it & had a fit shortly thereafter.  I've definitely noticed small changes this week, as well.  The pants I wear for my work uniform are SO loose & I had to use a safety pin to keep the zipper up.  My roommate even told me last night that my jawline looks more defined.  Non-scale victories, FTW!!

Alrighty, I'm done with the novel for today.  I am going to try to make the best of my snow day(s) the Snowpocalyse of 2011 has gifted me.  It's time to stop cuddling with my cat, Marzipan.  Time to get up, get some semblance of a home work-out & clean up this pigsty I haven't had time to deal with for the last week.

Since I dont have any home workout DVD's to go along with, anyone have any tips of what to do?

xoxo