Wednesday, January 15, 2014

Becoming self-aware.

Well, I haven't been here for awhile.  Almost 2 years to be exact.  You may be wondering what too.

I let life get the best of me, I suppose.

In April of 2012 I was in what I think was the best place I have ever been in my adult life.  I was SO close to being 100 lbs down (!!!) & finished my first half-marathon.  It wasn't easy, but I felt more accomplished after that race than I ever have.  I was on a high for weeks after that.  Fast forward through a bit of heartbreak & slowly but surely I visited some of my bad habits.  Then my procrastination led to a very dark period starting in November.  I'm not going to share what happened (those closest to me know), but that winter was the bleakest I think I've ever experienced.  You know how they say bad things come in threes? I'm pretty sure mine came in multiples of 3.

Around March of 2013 I started feeling a little more normal, but it wasn't until the end of the spring that I finally emerged from what was most definitely a depression.  Without my roommate, I don't know if I would have ever come out of it.  So thank you Joey, if you ever read this.  Sadly, the months of eating terrible food (I hate you Little Caesars for introducing that damn deep dish pizza) and spending most of my time on the couch or in bed had taken its toll.  I started being more mindful of my eating, but undoing 40+ pounds of hard work & dedication sort of deflates your drive and confidence.  I did manage to maintain for several months without adding any more weight on, but didn't do much to reverse it.

In September, it seems my Mom caught my wave of bad luck.  I knew of a few problems she was having, but one night I got a phone call from my brother telling me she was in the hospital.  Panic set in.  My Mom hasn't been in peak health in years & I'm always worried about her.  She's diabetic, overweight & smokes...not exactly the trifecta of healthy living.  It was then I learned she'd been having a re-occuring issue where she would be nauseous for days.  She was so sick that she ending up dehydrated & an urgent care sent her straight to the hospital.  While there they took some scans and they discovered she had a growth on her ovaries.  Doctor's evaluation : hysterectomy.

Most of October I then spent at my parents, near Joplin, MO.  Thankfully I had about 200 hours of sick time saved up at work & I was able to go help my Mom for several weeks.  While the hysterectomy took care of the growth on her ovaries, there was still the matter of her unexplained nausea.  In the midst of yelling at her to lay down & stop cleaning and her checkups, we spent several days with doctors trying to uncover what was wrong with her.  All the while she would get sick for days at a time.  I've never felt so powerless as I did sitting there with her.  A colonoscopy came back negative.  An endoscopy came back negative.  It wasn't until she was up & getting around and I had to return to St Louis that she finally got some answers.  And wouldn't you know it, the FDA hasn't approved the medication the doctor says she needs so they had to send off to Canada to get it.  She just recieved it LAST WEEK.  Go ahead and tell me our health care system isn't shameful.

When I came back to St Louis, everything seemed to fall into place...or so I thought.  Let's just say I think with my heart most of the time instead of my head.  In December, things started to take a turn for the worse again & I let myself slide back into old habits & my old way of thinking.

My self-worth is NOT measured by other people...I just need to start believing that again.

I went home to spend Christmas with my family, but I probably spent more time crying in the bathroom...and eating cookies.  I ate way too many cookies.  I was lucky enough to spend NYE with my best friend for her birthday & then proceeded to lose it after midnight.  The last few weeks were not how I wanted to start a new year, but then again a different number on the calendar doesn't really mean anything either.

It took a revelation and just the right song to make me snap out of it.  You know why?  ...because I'm better than this.  I'm better than him.  I can be healthy again.  I can be that happy girl I was 2 years ago.  I'm ready to focus my energy on ME and me alone for now.

Starting now.


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