Saturday, October 15, 2011

A moment of panic.

In 4 hours, my wave of Warrior Dash starts.  I feel grossly unprepared & may or may not have a broken toe.  All of our spectators bailed on us.  Oh & did I mention most of my life is in boxes, waiting to be moved?

Life has been hectic lately, with working 2 jobs & trying to still maintain a semblance of a normal life.  This blog has fallen by the wayside & so have my workouts.  I haven't felt on top of my game since I moved in August.  I haven't been happy like I was 3 months ago.  I've made some stupid decisions lately that I can't undo & I feel like that breaking point is slowly approaching.  I'm tired of feeling like a burden to people.

I'm hoping today is another Day 1.  I don't care if I have to drive 50 miles alone to the boonies to go do my best to climb walls & jump over fire.  Then, no matter what, I get to go see Saves The Day-my favorite band in the entire world tonight.  Next Friday I will be able to pay up on my gym membership so I can go back to my normal workouts, I'll have room to cook & feel comfortable doing so.  Here's to turning over a new leaf.  Hopefully.

I'm not going to do a weigh-in today or anything, but I've maintained where I was.  I'm hanging out around 70lbs lost right now & hoping to make a big dent towards 100 lost by the end of the year. 

Wish me luck.

And hope I don't die at Warrior Dash today.


Sunday, September 4, 2011

kaleidoscope heart

I've been trying to write this post for 2 months.  I've opened up Blogger, written a bit, but never got across what I wanted to say.  Tried again the next week, the next month.  Nothing.  I haven't had the time, energy, effort or strength to try any harder. 

I've been burnt out.

The last week or so I've felt different.  Not that everything in my life is magically fixed now (will it ever?), but I feel in control for the moment.  In charge of the chaos, let's say.

In the last 2 months :
My phone was stolen.
Somehow hurt my shoulder to the point I couldn't lift anything.
My living situation became intolerable.
I hastily moved to a new place.
Aggravated a recurring knee injury while moving.
I turned 27.
Finished 6 months without fast food.
Blew that on a visit to Little Caesars after a bad day.
Felt like a stranger in my own home.
Went for not one, but 2 promotions at work I didn't get.
Got stood up.

And that's not everything, but all I'll disclose for now.  Needless to say, the past 2 months sucked.  I did let my emotions & old habits get the best of me a bit, but overall I think I stayed in control (minus that week or so of avoiding the gym like the plague).

Today isn't official weigh-in day or anything but I want to attach some numbers to where I've been the last 2 months.  Last time I updated here I was at 234.5 after a 3 lb gain that week.  Today I was at 220 even.  That brings me to 66 lbs total that I've lost in the last 8 months & I can't be upset about that, right?

I've had a great last week or so in general.  I've felt like nothing can bring me down. 

Since I like lists here is what is putting a smile on face :
I have an awesome new opportunity at work I can hopefully get.
Registered for Warrior Dash on October 15th!
I got a call for an interview at SweetArt (my favorite local restaurant)
Had a delightful dinner with a super nice guy who loves Saves The Day as much as I do. 

Its the little things.

I'll leave you with these lyrics from Sara Bareilles.  She rules.

All the colors of the rainbow, hidden 'neath my skin
Hearts have colors, don't we all know.
Red runs through our veins.
Feel the fire burning up, inspire me with blood of blue & green
I have hope
Inside is not a heart, but a kaleidoscope


Tuesday, June 28, 2011


Today's entry comes to you from the seats of The Muny, theco nations oldest & largest outdoor theater.  I got here early to nab some free seats & have 20 minutes until curtain, so why not write a blog?

Today was weigh-in day.  I didn't expect anything major after last week's 4.5 lb drop, but I was super active this week & stayed well within my calorie goals for the week (Yes, even with that whole bag of Gardettos I devoured in 4 days.  Lesson learned). 

This last week was the start of the Shrinking Jeans Burst Into Summer Challenge.  Part of the challenge is a 6 week bootcamp.  As I mentioned last week, I started a few days late due to work taking over my life, but I caught up!  I did the Week 1 workout on Wednesday, Friday & Sunday & did Week 2, Day 1 yesterday (ouch).  I would be lying if I said it was easy.  As someone still nearly 100 lbs from my "ideal body weight" some of the exercises were a lot to take on.  But I did it!  The first day was not a breeze, but when I finally finished & collapsed in my living room floor in a pool of sweat I was SO PROUD of myself & totally exhilarated!  Sprints for sure kicked my butt, but I can already tell that they're going to help me become a better runner.  The squats have made my legs ache for days, but I can feel the strength I've gained already.  The side plank dips . . . well they just plain sucked.  Let's not lie.

After working my butt off all week I was hoping for a great number this week.  So imagine my disappointment when I saw this . . .

Previous weight : 231.5 lbs
Current weight  : 234.5 lbs

Gain of 3 lbs.

What the heck.  Yes, the Gardettos were a fail & so was a drunken diner meal on Sunday night, but I still ate well the rest of the week.  I compensated well & tracked my food, so that can't really be the issue.  I do feel like I'm retaining water somewhat & maybe I gained a little muscle?  Who knows. 

But honestly, I'm not that bent out of shape about it.  I KNOW I worked hard this week, despite literally working EVERY DAY for the last week & being home just to sleep.  I had many a chance to blow it & to break my no fast food streak (almost 5 months now!), but I didn't.  I could've easily blown off my bootcamp workout, but I didn't.  I'm up 3 lbs, but I don't care. :)


Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Follow through.

The past month or so, I haven't been very on top of my game.  Gym visits have been fewer & far between & I haven't been tracking accurately at all (I have definitely been calorie conscious).  That resulted in not much progress. 

After my race (recap soon, I swear!) I feel rejuvenated, but I'm still lacking in my follow through.  thus my dry erase board weekly calendar is born!  I'm a procrastinator at heart.  I can always finish the dishes later or put my laundry away tomorrow.  Its really easy for me to let workouts go to the wayside if I run out of time.  My solution is to schedule my time better.  Working random different hours throws me off most of the time, so if I plot out what I need to do in advance I'll be more likely to do it.  I need to stop fitting exercise into my schedule only when my friends go to the gym.

This last week I am back on my game.  I've made a couple late night gym visits, swam & had a few impromptu home workouts as well (which is hard to make myself do without a dvd player!)  My enthusiasm is a little surprising, honestly, but I'm pretty excited about the progress I made this week.

Previous weight : 236.0 lbs
Current weight. : 231.5 lbs
Loss of 4.5 lbs!!

I literally stepped on the scale this morning & said "You've got to be shitting me."  I was definitely a bit shocked, but very happy with that number.  I guess that's what happens when you step up your workouts, track your food & eat well, eh?  Another exciting milestone is that at this weight my BMI is officially under 40!  I started with a BMI of 49.1 & now it is 39.7.  Wow.

This week also marks the start of the Shrinking Jeans Burst Into Summer challenge, which I spur of the moment signed up for last week!  Its an 11-week long team challenge with a 6 week bootcamp.  I missed the first workout yesterday due to getting called into work, but I'm going to catch up tonight or get up early & do it tomorrow.  I needed something different to mix up my workouts & I think this will definitely spice things up a bit.

I'm continually shocked by the progress I've made in the last (near) 6 months.  Everytime I get a compliment from someone I'm still flabbergasted & don't know quite how to react.  I can't remember the last time I had this much drive to finish something without being so scared that I was going to fail.  Don't get me wrong, I'm still scared.  Slightly terrified, even.  The difference is I KNOW I can do this.  Its all in my hands.  Everyday I feel more comfortable in my skin & its the best feeling.


Monday, June 20, 2011

Tuck & roll.

Ever feel like some things you have to say aren't important enough to blog?  I feel that way most of the time, but nonetheless, here I am.  Today I am going to share a NSV (for those not aware, that means a Non-Scale Victory).  Its minor, but significant to me.  Something that most people wouldn't think twice about.

Yesterday I tucked in my shirt.

Yes, this is something I'm required to do as part of the dress code at the job I've worked at for over 3 years.  No, until yesterday I hadn't ever done it once.  Sure, I faked it.  I would just roll the edges underneath & periodically check to make sure it hadn't fallen down.  It was obvious, I'm sure. 

Being overweight nearly my entire life I can't clearly remember ever actually tucking in a shirt.  When you carry so much weight around your midsection, there is nothing in the WORLD that makes you want to make it more obvious.  Tucking in a shirt makes you feel as if you look like Violet from Willy Wonka after she turns into a blueberry.  Huge & round.

After wearing my new skirt on Saturday I just got (a size 20 that's a little roomy, I might add), I noticed my fake tuck wasn't working so well with the polyester-type fabric-it kept falling down every few minutes.  So when I got dressed for my impromptu shift on Sunday I thought to myself "Hey, you look pretty good in this skirt."  I didn't look bulbous around my midsection (though believe me, it hasn't gone away).  I looked sort of normal.  So I decided to try an experiment.  "Well I'll tuck it in, just to see how it looks." I said to myself.  After a few adjustments it was in place & I was actually okay with how it looked. 

Wait a minute.  How did that happen?

In all my 26 + years I've never been okay with this & all of a sudden I'm a normal shirt-tucking member of society.  Its going to take a while for me to get used to this.


PS : Race recap is still coming, I promise.

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

5 & 50.

So its been a few weeks.  The last month has kind of threw me through a loop.  My last post was about the devastation in Joplin.  Anything I had to say here I felt paled in comparison, to be honest.  After my visit there recently,  I just didn't know what to say.  Its much worse than the pictures show.  Much worse than the news describes.  Much worse than you can imagine.  Driving through the affected area, it felt like I was in a third world country.  Buildings in shambles, debris everywhere, people driving around in cars with no windshields or windows.  What little we were able to bring I hope makes even a little bit of difference, but its miniscule in the big picture.  While most natural disasters take 1-2 years to clean up, its going to take Joplin 3-5 years.  Mother Nature is not someone I want to mess with.

Now time to catch up since my last real post.  If we're friends on Facebook or you follow me on Twitter, then you're hip to the news that I signed up for & this past weekend did my first 5K!  I meant to do a big write up before it, but time & life got the best of me, so suprise!  I'm not going to elaborate a ton on the race, because I'm going to do a separate post about it in the next day or so. :)

I feel like I've done pretty well in the past few weeks.  A little too much eating out & too little food in my cabinets didn't make for the best choices I could have made, but all in all my moderation was in check.  One great development is that the pool is finally open!!  My friend Mackenzie has a pool in her complex, so basically I can swim whenever I want, so that rules.  I couldn't make it the first few days it was open because I was out of town & working a ton when I got back, but I quickly made up for that & swam 4 or 5 days straight.  I just need to plan meals around swimming better since I'm DYING afterwards.

So now onto the numbers.

Previous weight : 239.5
Current weight. : 236.0

Do you know what that means?

I'VE LOST 50 POUNDS!!!  Its weigh-in official today.  I've been hanging out, above & below 236 for the last couple weeks, but the last Tuesday or 2 I've been about 237.5.  Not today, though. :)

5 months ago I would have thought dropping 50 pounds was impossible.  5 months ago I wouldn't have even entertained the idea of doing a 5k, for fear of being the last one to finish. 

5 months ago I was miserable.

Today I am not.


Tuesday, May 24, 2011

I have no words.

I can't even begin to fathom what life is like in Joplin right now.  The town I've spent most of my life in/near has nearly been erased.  Gone.  Obliterated.

I've spent the bulk of my life completely terrified of storms.  As far back as I can remember I would sit paralyzed in front of the TV to see what was coming our way.  If there was a tornado watch I would overhaul our pantry in our old house in Sarcoxie, taking things I didn't need out & filling it with blankets & pillows as well as anything important to me.  That usually meant I filled up the space with nonessentials, without enough room for the rest of the family to fit in.  I would sit in that tiny space for hours on end sometimes, as long as the watch lasted.  The sad thing is that that pantry wouldn't have saved me from a tornado.  It was the central part of our house & the only place without windows, but the walls were just plaster & the doors were at most 1/4 of an inch thick. 

I've never been in a tornado, but have been terrified at the thought of it nearly all my life.  Nearly every year as far as I can remember back, there was always a town that got taken out by a storm.  Leveled.  Gone.  Demolished.  Mother Nature is quick & violent.  This time she took it out on Joplin.  The town is literally split in 2.  Unrecognizable.

Living in St Louis, I felt powerless to help.  Stuck 300 miles away wishing I was there to comfort & love my friends & family.   My cousin Vicki lost her home, as did my friend Leea's mother & my friend Arin's father.  My friend Caleb's brother was seriously injured, so was my friend Tsvia's sister.  On top of that, Tsvia's nephew Schulyar has been missing since the storm hit, his family desperately searching for him & hoping first responders took him somewhere safe.

Tuesday I am going to Joplin, to give my brothers & sisters at Solace the biggest hugs I can, to bring them supplies & serve the people of Joplin when they need it most.  My friend Matt, who at one time lived in Joplin as well, came up with a plan to organize donations for us to take to Solace (a music venue & church that I have ties to) as they have turned into a shelter & outreach for many people.  Matt manages a local Starbucks & got approval to accept donations at several locations in St Louis for us to take to Joplin.  I'm working to get my place of work to do the same & we're reaching out to all our friends to donate as well.  We have less than a week to gather supplies & I'm anxious to get everything together.

If you live in St Louis, I ask that you donate whatever you can or at least to spread the word here :

I don't feel powerless anymore.

Joplin, here I come.

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

I have a love affair . . .

With broccoli, its true.

Pictured is my dinner from tonight.  Its a random thrown together stir fry that turned out deeeeelish! 

Here's what's in it:

Upton's Naturals Traditional Seitan
Trader Joe's Organic Broccoli Slaw
Archer Farms Asian Ginger dressing <-- this stuff is amaaazing
Broccoli (more because we're getting married)
White Onion
Chia Seeds
Water Chestnuts
Soy Sauce
Crushed Red Pepper
Ground Ginger
Brown Jasmine Rice

All I have to say is OMNOMNOMNOMNOM.

I'm going to (try to) keep today's entry short & sweet because I feel like when I write these huuuuuuge long entries I'm less likely to post updates.  I feel like if I post too much I'm being annoying.

The last week has been much improved.  I went to the gym a couple nights last week, which felt good since they haven't seen much of me lately.  I've been itching to sign up for a 5k & with this weekend off I had a perfect opportunity.  Except that there's not a surplus of money in my wallet, so I didn't. 

Instead I created my own.  I deemed it the Shaw Neighborhood 5k since I pretty much circled my neighborhood & I finished in 50:22.  Not too shabby since I hadn't run very much lately & was still on Week 4 of C25K.

Had a crazy weekend so I recovered the rest of the weekend & then hit the gym up last night solo.  I got in a great workout in a short period of time since I wasn't distracted & slayed Day 1 of C25K Week 5 with no problem.  For the first time I can honestly say I feel like I'm becoming a runner. :)

Onto the weigh-in.  I held steady last week so I had high hopes for this week.  My scale was acting reaaaaally crazy this afternoon & kept giving me readings all over a 5 lb range.  It was reaaaaally annoying & after I toggled a unit switch on the back it finally gave me a consistent reading, so I'm trusting its right!

Previous weight : 242.5
Current weight  : 239.5

Goodbye 240's!  I hope I don't see you ever again, no offense.
So that puts me at 46.5 pounds lost overall.  50 is SO CLOSE, I can't believe it.  I might have to have a party to celebrate when I get there. :)

Alrighty, time to sign off.  I have friends coming in super early before work to crash at my place before their show tomorrow night so I need to get to cleaning & get some sleep.


Wednesday, May 11, 2011

ups & downs.

I'm in a rut. 

There's no better way to say it.

The last couple weeks have been trying & I've been lazy.  I didn't let on much on my last post (That's because I did make some progress pounds-wise & who wants to be a downer, right?), but I just feel stuck.  I've been to the gym once, maybe twice a week lately & when I'm physically there, I haven't been mentally.  Ever feel like you're just running through the motions?

The last few months have pretty much turned my life upside down & don't get me wrong, I'm THRILLED with the change I've made & the years I'm adding onto my life.  Its just that sometimes I wonder to myself if I CAN do it. 

I was an overachiever in elementary & high school, always on my game.  As an overweight child, I felt that was the only thing special about me.  Being smart made me feel worthy.  When I got made fun of, the thought that I had a one up on my bully made me feel somewhat better.  When the end of high school came around, I didn't know what to do with myself.  All the things I had considered doing with my life were all up in the air & the guidance I had was next to none.  I only applied to one university, knowing I'd get accepted there, with absolutely NO IDEA what I was getting myself into.

That's where everything changed.  There was no one telling me what class to sign up for, no one making me get up in the morning for class.  I was an adult now, I could do whatever I wanted.  That I did.  If there's one thing I wish I could go back & fix, that would be it.  I had school paid for, for the most part & I let it slip away.  I let it all pass me by & here I sit 7 years later wondering what the hell happened, still in debt for the degree I never finished.  Where is that smart girl at?  If being smart was what made me worthy, what am I now?

Years & years of that on my shoulders & its no wonder I was where I was.  The pressure & guilt of wasting the last 9 years of my life is immense & still on top of me to this day. 

The absolute worst part of it all, though, is dissappointing my Mom.  I know she wanted more for me.  I know she wishes I wasn't living paycheck to paycheck, barely scraping by.  More than anyone, she believed in me.  And I let her down.

I'm tired of being a dissappointment.  To my Mom, my family & to myself.  The last 4 months have been a new beginning for me, changing me inside & out.  I'm so incredibly proud of myself for losing 43 & a half pounds.  My friends are proud of me, my coworkers are proud of me & most importantly my Mom is proud of me.  The sound in her voice & the exclamation points in her texts when I tell her I've lost more are what has kept me going lately.  I am forever thankful to have her as my mother.

I totally did not mean for this post to turn into a sobfest, but that's just sort of where it led me.  I think I just really needed to put it into words.

As for the last week, like I said, I've been lazy.  I went to the gym twice, I think.  Not ending up doing much either time (last night I spent more time talking to one of the employees there, our friend Jay, than anything at all-there's a funny story I'll put up in a day or 2 about that, actually).  I've managed to keep my diet mostly in check, though.  That's probably all that saved me this week.

Previous weight : 242.5
Current weight. : 242.5
No change this week.

I need to make some serious adjustments to get back on track this week.  The first is to stop making excuses.  Work, the rain or watching The Office shouldn't stop me from working out.  Besides, if I don't make it to the gym more, how am I ever going to steal the mayorship on foursquare?  Priorities, people.


Friday, April 29, 2011

It's still Tuesday if I'm awake!

The last few weeks have been SO busy.  Since my last blog I've managed to pick up a promoting job, getting back into music (which has been missing from my life for too long).  My new "boss" has quickly become a new friend & I feel SUPER appreciated, which is oh so nice.  At my normal job, we finally got a new store manager so things are a little topsy turvy there & I'm teetering on the edge of a promotion, but the stars all need to align for that to happen.  It seems my free time has become few & far between.  My cat isn't too happy about that.

While I may not be the most consistent blogger (I'm sorry I suck at being timely!), I try.  And believe me when I say that getting healthy is one of the hardest, time-consuming, expensive things I've chose to undertake.  Suprisingly this is the most consistent I've been with anything in YEARS.  I'm rarely on time, slack on responding to people, avoid confrontation like nobodys business, but I have done so remarkably well with my diet that I'm astounded.  Yes, I've had a few slipups here & there (there were cookies in the breakroom & I was stressed out.  Whoops.), but overall I can't believe how good I'm doing.  I've been slacking on tracking the specifics of what I'm eating, but I pay close attention to the content of my food before it ever makes it in my cart & now it seems I'm eating a lot more intuitively.  I totally stopped tracking every bite that goes in my mouth & have been working out way less than I had been.  But it seems I'm having a bit more success this way?  Here's what I'm talking about : weigh-in time!

Previous weight : 250.0
Current weight. : 242.5
Loss of 7.5 lbs

In 3 weeks I've dropped almost another 8 pounds.  Dang!  I'm beginning to wonder if I was doing TOO much for my calorie intake & my body wasn't quite happy with me.  For quite awhile I was going for what My Fitness Pal had calculated my daily intake to be (which dropped to 1550 calories on the last update & changed to 1460 with this weigh-in), but with as much activity as I was doing, I don't think it was right.  I was hovering around 250 for weeks & I think that's why.  I think my body was a bit angry.

I'm so proud of myself overall.  I've had a lot of things to deal with lately & for the most part I haven't let it get the best of me.  I may have neglected a few updates to my blog, but I still made progress.  That's the important thing, right?

I'm putting my best foot forward & vowing to update this darn thing more often.  At least that is if anyone still is keeping up with me. :)


Wednesday, April 13, 2011


The past few days have been really rough emotionally.  Without going into details I've watched a friendship dissolve in front of me & I'm left flabbergasted & more sad that I can express.  I've spent a large chunk of the last 48 hours crying & I'm really really suprised I didn't turn to food as a comfort.  That is about the only thing keeping me going right now.

I am much stronger than I've ever given myself credit for.

I had a long talk with my Mom tonight which helped ease my anxiety a bit.  That & my best friends talking me through it have kept me sane.  I don't know that I've had a support system this great ever before.  You girls mean the world to me.

Now on to the numbers.

Last time I weighed in here, which was March 10th I weighed :
258.5 lbs
As of this morning I weighed in at
250.0 lbs

250 right on the dot!  8.5 lbs in a month ain't too shabby is it?!
So that brings my total loss too:
36 pounds.

I want to break the 240's officially next week & get ever so close to my reward for 50 lbs lost-the sweeeeeet pasta maker I want on Amazon!!

I'm going to sign off for now, as I'm waiting for my friend to get off work so we can go hang out & listen to pop-punk at Flamingo Bowl.


PS: does anyone still read this?

Monday, April 11, 2011


That word above is not always my strong point.

Now don't start to think that means that I've started eating everything in sight & stopped going to the gym.  I've been slacking on tracking & failed at updating my blog for a few weeks, that is true.  That's where my inconsistency shines.  But I have been eating more intuitively & working out on a regular basis (more so outside because its been so nice!!). 

I haven't posted for a few weeks because I had a disappointing week.  I wasn't satisfied with my progress, despite my best efforts so I was hesistant to share.  I am all about sharing my successes & progress, but I feel pitiful sharing my shortcomings.  I didn't even do anything terrible, I just had one of those weeks where for some unknown reason I didn't lose.  Why do I let these things get me down?

I have progressed since my last post, though.  I've lost pounds, my clothes are falling off even more so & I can see the changes in my face, collarbone, legs & stomach.  Weight loss has such a profound effect on your body.  When I was slowly gaining weight over the years I didn't see (at least not consciously) what I was doing to myself.  Sure I noticed when a new stretch mark manifested itself or I had to buy a bigger size, but going back the opposite way its a lot easier to notice these things.

Today isn't Tuesday, so its not an official weigh-in day, but I'm happy to report that I reached my first goal I put in the last post.  I haven't went to get my pedicure yet, but I will be treating myself to it soon!  Since then I've dropped another 5 pounds to bring me to 251 the last time I hopped on the scale (I was down to 249.5 but I've been jumping all around the 250 range the last week or so).

Reaching 250 is a big deal for me.  I don't even know the last time my weight was this low.  My drivers license has said 250 since I renewed it in August of 09 (let's just say I was rounding down a bit).  So as of the last week or so, my drivers license isn't lying anymore!  I don't think I've EVER had the correct weight on my license in the last 10 years.  I believe I put 180 when I first got my permit & kept it there for years, too ashamed to speak up & say it was much, much higher. 

I don't have to hide my weight anymore.  That's a big deal for me.  Broadcasting my business on this blog, Facebook & Twitter for my friends, family & strangers to see is terrifying to me, but necessary to hold myself accountable.  If I had kept this to myself, I know I would have failed without the support that has come from suprising places & people.  The simplest thing, like someone "liking" my run on Facebook keeps me motivated to go run again tomorrow, not to mention the constant encouragement I get on my posts & status updates.

This change is one of the few things in my life that is solely about ME.  No one can take this from me, no one can make me succeed or fail, but everyone can support me.  I've found support in the most surprising places, from people I only talk to online, while people I see all the time have let me down. 

When I stopped going out & drinking as often, I feel like I've lost a lot of my friends.  When I try to get people together without it involving alcohol or a bar, it never happens.  If that's all our friendship revolves around, just know that it really hurts that I'm nothing more to you than a drinking buddy.  This change is SO HARD for me.  Harder than most people could ever realize.  To then see that the people around you, who you depend on don't seem to support you, makes it infinitely harder.  I can't @ reply someone on Twitter for a hug when I've had a shitty day, I can't cry on the shoulder of someone on Facebook chat.  I NEED MY FRIENDS.  Not to say all my friends are like this, I do have a support system that keeps me going, but its infinitely smaller than the group of friends here that once surrounded me.

I guess its time to stop word vomiting on this post, but I just needed to share how I felt today.  Today has been rough, but I've made it through with the girls I've been talking to today.  I just want you guys to know that you've made all the difference in the world to me.  Mackenzie, Terra & Emily, I love you guys. :)

My "official" weigh-in post will be up tomorrow, I promise!  No more blog vacations, hold me to that.


Monday, March 14, 2011


When I started this blog, the purpose was to be active, eat better & ultimately lose weight.  Besides that purpose, I didn't really set any concrete goals.  I've been thinking about that & there are some goals I'm setting out after.

-Take my daily vitamin.
I've had a bottle of 130 vitamins in my bathroom cabinet for over a year now.  Let's just say its not empty.

-Work on my bingo wing.
Now you might be asking what a bingo wing is.  Its a term my friend Terra coined for that lovely portion of your underarm.  Imagine an old lady playing bingo raise up her arm & shake it all around yelling "BINGO!"  You get the drift.  I can't remember a single time in my life I've been comfortable in something sleeveless & I want that to change.  I've been doing some upper body strength training already, so I'm thinking of chronicling it as Bingo Wing Wednesdays.  Lame?

-Run a 5k
Yes, I put the word run there.  Walking a 5k would be a piece of cake, I've walked longer in the park by my house.  I'm starting a 5k in 100 days program soon thanks to Brad Gansberg (he's teaching a 100 people for free, isn't that awesome?) & can't wait to make this a reality.  I'm looking at the Susan G Komen race in June for this (depending on when training gets started).  I'm also going to look into walking some other races too!

Those are just 3 of the things I'm striving for right now in addition to eating better, getting fit & getting rid of this weight.  As far as my goal weight goes, besides considering what's normal for my height, I'm not sure where I want to end up.  When I look & feel like I'm where I need to be, then I'll be happy (but my grandpa's offer to give me a $1 for each pound I lose has me extra motivated to lose it all!). 

I do, however, want to celebrate the milestones I'll reach along the way.  As of last week I sit at 27.5 pounds lost, so 30 is SO CLOSE.  Who knows?  I could easily hit it tomorrow when I do my weigh-in.  These are some of the rewards I'm going to bestow upon myself when I get there.

30 pounds
-Get a pedicure!  I have never treated myself to one & with all I'm putting my feet through, they deserve some pampering.

50 pounds
-Buy the pasta press I've been eyeing on Amazon for the last 3 months.  I was going to get a cheap one with Christmas funds, but saving for the awesome one!

75 pounds
-Have a spa day with the works (possibly with my Mom if I can get her to visit!).  A whole day devoted to relaxing.  Ahhhhhh . . .

100 pounds
-Get my first tattoo.  This is something I've been wanting to get for a loooooong time.  Its a piece of artwork my mother did that is inspired by my grandmother (RIP).  Its a piece I've always loved & it always reminded me of my grandma long before I knew it was about her.  It means a lot to me & I can't wait for it!

For numbers bigger than that, I haven't decided on.  When I reach goal, though I want to do something big.  Anyone wanna donate to send me on a cruise? :)


Thursday, March 10, 2011


The last week has been tumultuous at best. 

I took a couple rest days because my crappy shoes were making my feet throb after walking a couple miles.  I kept my eating in check calorie-wise, despite not tracking everything as well as I should have.  I do think I ate too much of some things (bread & cheese) while forgetting to get enough veggies & fruit in the way I have been.  That on top of a ton of unneeded stress with my living situation & being a whiny girl has left me unmotivated & pissed off.

Previous weight : 258.5
Current weight. : 258.5
No loss/gain this week.

I still worked out solidly 3 days & didn't overeat but I find the number on the scale this week unchanged.  I didn't do terribly this week, but I didn't do great either.  I probably had too much sodium (not tracking everything hurt me there).  On days I work, I drink tons of water, off days this week I didn't.

I didn't lose anything this week, but I didn't gain either.  I had opportunities to drink myself silly, thoughts of raiding the fridge to deal with my frustration, but I didn't.  For that I am proud!

One good thing from this past week is that I got new shoes!  I went to Big River Running Company ( here in St Louis to see about getting fitted for some shoes.  One of the employees there, Luke, helped me out.  He watched me walk & his assessment was that I am an overpronator (especially my right foot) & have low arches.  He recommended shoes with moderate stability & brought out a couple different choices.  After 20 minutes or so and some trial & error I decided on a pair of New Balance 860's!  Surprisingly they were only a size 9 & the normal width (I usually buy a 9 1/2 or 10 in wide width if they have it).  They were more than I have ever spent on a pair of shoes in my life, but I know they're necessary for me to keep going.

That's where I'll leave off for tonight.  I have tomorrow off with a possible Zumba class in the AM & a walk in Tower Grove Park planned with a friend from work in the afternoon.  Here's to good choices this week & having a better attitude.  I may not be able to control the behavior of those around me, but I need to stop letting it get the best of me.


Thursday, March 3, 2011

You say that I'm a mess, tell me I'm a wreck. . .

This post comes to you from inside the walls of Atomic Cowboy in StL. 

Here I sit, alone, in a booth in a room full of people.  I've been here for over an hour, but can't seem to enjoy myself in the slightest.  A few drinks down & I still can't fight the nonsense going on in my head. 

After work I came home, relaxed a bit, then started to get ready to go out.  As I got ready I went through the clothes in my room over & over.  Nothing looked good on me.  Everything has awkward gapes & its not flattering.  At all.  I finally found a t-shirt I felt mildy comfortable wearing & pretty much gave up.  My wardbrobe is disappointing to say the least.

But I was excited to go out; excited to see my friends; excited to relax for a couple hours.  But apparently I'm incapable of that tonight.  Ever since I got here tonight, I can't overcome my awkward nature.  I can't get out of my head.  I feel INCREDIBLY insecure (the worst I've felt in a long time) & honestly, I'm doing my best not to burst into tears right now in public.

I don't know what it is tonight.  Is it because my clothes don't fit me right?  Is it because my friends are all of doing their own thing?  Is it because the guy I like hasn't given me the time of day?  Really I think its my mind playing tricks on me.  I've been too on top of my game lately.  A little too on top of it.  Is this my minds way of attacking me?

I'm not quite sure, but I don't like it in the slightest. 

The only night out I've had in a week & its ruined.  Time to go home.

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

I'm on the right track, baby . . .

Sorry.  I can't get that GaGa song out of my head.

But I DO feel like I'm on the right track today.  I woke up refreshed from a full night of sleep after I made the elliptical cry last night at the gym.  I've been active every day since Thursday & I don't even know when my next rest day will be.  I tried to talk myself into one the other day, but then asked myself, "Why??"  I don't feel worn out, I feel energetic so what's the harm!

This last week has been a blast.  Tuesday night was Ke$ha (my total pop guilty pleasure) with my buddy Kristen who came from Joplin to see her with me.  The show was downright ridiculous, we danced & it was soooo good to see Kristen (we haven't really spent time together since her wedding in June).  We ate out since she was in town & I was pretty apprehensive, to say the least.  I did indulge a bit, but I tracked everything & still managed to stay within my calories for the day.  I ate macaroni & cheese (my favoritest thing in the world) and mozzarella sticks and managed to not overdo it?  Say whaaaaaat?  SO proud of myself.

Wednesday was also fabulous.  I took it easy during the day, gearing up to go see one of my absolute favorite bands, Eisley.  (Side note : GO CHECK OUT THEIR NEW ALBUM!  Its only $5 on & they have the voices of angels.  Gorgeous scorned girl music at its best.)  Had to go it alone, but ended up loving it regardless & took home their new album on beautiful transparent red vinyl.  After that it was out to meet up with friends for our weekly outing to Dollar Bin (aka $1 PBR night, the only night I indulge myself & have a beer or 2).  I got so many compliments from friends I don't see as much & it warmed my heart to know they've taken notice.

The rest of the week honestly flew by with work & working out.  Hit up the gym a few times, took an awesome 3.4 mile walk through the park I live next to (I only meant to do 2!), then rode my bike for the first time this year through the park & around my awesome neighborhood.

I honestly don't know how its Tuesday already, but that means its weigh-in time!

Previous weight : 262.5
Current weight.  : 258.5
Loss of 4 lbs!

Total of 27.5 lbs lost. :)

Freaking A!  I stepped on & off the scale like 6 times to make sure this was right.  4 lbs the week I started off not working out for 2 days, ate mac & cheese & mozzarella sticks?  I guess that says something for moderation & being active every day!  I've tracked really well this week & make good use of my allotted calories, so I earned it.  I just sort of can't believe it!

I've been in a terrible mood the last few days (its my inner Oi Oi punk coming out) & wanted to yell at everyone/smash things.  Took it out on the elliptical last night, so I feel better (still need to have a talk with someone avoiding me).  Then the scale had to go & be all sweet.  Today is a good day!  Time to repeat my walk in the park now, cause its BEAUTIFUL outside & 53°!  Viva la Spring!


Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Hey, remember me?

I have neglected my blog for a few weeks.  I know I've neglected it.  I thought about it a lot, actually.  My mind was at war with me & instead of dealing with it, I recoiled.  For that I am sorry to the few people that read this thing.

When I was due for my weigh-in 2 weeks ago, I stepped on the scale to see that I'd gained a pound.  A pound.  One measly, tiny, miniscule pound.  I didn't go to the gym much that week (I let the snowstorm be my excuse for that instead of working out at home) & after being really sick on Superbowl Sunday I had a slight encounter with Little Caesars.  So wasn't suprised, just a little disappointed.  I let that disappointment dwell & dwell on me.  I dwelled on it to the point I was too ashamed to write a blog that day.  Then the next day, & the next, & the next, so on & so forth.  I let ONE POUND get the best of me.

So instead of sucking it up & dealing with it, I avoided it (I'm super good at that).  But was I going to just abandon my blog?  No, I wasn't giving up on it & definitely not giving up on my journey.

So let's catch up.

Tuesday, February 8th
Previous weight : 267.5
Current weight.  : 268.5
Gain of 1 lb.

Tuesday, February 15th
Previous weight : 268.5
Current weight.  : 266.0
Loss of 2.5 lbs!

I fought back the next week, kicked that pound off my body for the last time & said adios to 1 & 1/2 more.  Mentally I'm back.  No more excuses for not working out.  There are plenty of things I can do at home if I'm stuck & I shouldn't depend on the gym completely.  Also, my friend Emily over at & started a No Fast Food 90 day challenge, so no Little Caesars for a long time!

That takes us to today.

Previous weight : 266.0
Current Weight. : 262.5
Loss of 3.5 lbs!!

Total loss of 23.5 lbs this year.

I'm on track mentally, physically & emotionally again.  Its feels good to see the scale reflect it.  I promise I won't let my blogs go by the wayside again (& I want to start posting lots of recipes!), but I must cut this one short.  But don't worry, I'm not sitting at home moping.  I'm with one of my good friends, Kristen, who came up from Joplin to see Ke$ha with me tonight.  We are patiently awaiting for the hot mess to begin.  Dance party time (aka hidden cardio)!!!!


Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Weigh-In #3 & Potluck!

(pictured : the Quinoa Black Bean Salad I made for work this weekend.  More on that later.)

I have failed at blogging since my weigh-in last week, but to be fair I've been crazy busy & havent had a day off work since!

Being more active, I have already noticed a huge difference in my everyday life.  I have more energy, stamina & I feel like I can go non-stop some days.  Before, I would go to work lethargic, come home tired & plop down in the recliner.  Usually after that the rest of my day would slip away watching TV or going out until super late & drinking.  The difference is ridiculous & I'm left wondering how I functioned before, in all honesty.

My groceries are already waning & without much extra $$ to spend for now, I've been worried I would stop & grab fast food or make something easy.  But guess what, I haven't!  Not to say I havent had the chance, but my resolve has been strong.  I got offered a piece of Domino's pizza by a co-worker & turned it down.  That.  Is.  Weird.

Speaking of work, we had a potluck over the weekend to celebrate the end of the fiscal year.  I decided to bring something different than the usual fare, that was vegan & healthy.  After some googling I decided on a Quinoa Black Bean Salad recipe I found HERE.  It turned out AWESOME!  It was spicy & limey (I am a lime juice junkie) & delicious.  I also made a fresh batch of Whole Wheat Pita Bread that was super yummy.  Judging by the empty container when I went home Sunday, my co-workers liked it too.

Alrighty, on to the weigh-in.  I've ate really well this past week & worked out every day but yesterday I think & I definitely saw the results!

Previous weight : 272 lbs

Current weight : 267.5 lbs

Loss of :  4.5 lbs

Total lost : 18.5 lbs.

I didnt quite believe the scale when I saw it & had a fit shortly thereafter.  I've definitely noticed small changes this week, as well.  The pants I wear for my work uniform are SO loose & I had to use a safety pin to keep the zipper up.  My roommate even told me last night that my jawline looks more defined.  Non-scale victories, FTW!!

Alrighty, I'm done with the novel for today.  I am going to try to make the best of my snow day(s) the Snowpocalyse of 2011 has gifted me.  It's time to stop cuddling with my cat, Marzipan.  Time to get up, get some semblance of a home work-out & clean up this pigsty I haven't had time to deal with for the last week.

Since I dont have any home workout DVD's to go along with, anyone have any tips of what to do?


Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Better late than never . . .

Today has been crazy busy, so I'm just now getting to write up my blog for today!  I've been running around the city promoting all day, went to work out for awhile with my friend Terra & now I find myself at Applebee's for a special party thing celebrating local St Louis-ian Murphy Lee's launch of his wine, Freaky Muscato (which is pretty freaking awesome).

Today is Tuesday, so that means its weigh-in day!

Going in to this week I knew it would'nt be as triumphant as my first weigh in post, but I had high hopes because I've been kicking my ass at the gym this week.  But I'm happy with the result, because hey a loss is a loss!!

Previous weight  


Current weight   


Total loss of 2 lbs!

(Also i noticed that my scale only reads in 1/2 lb increments so that gives either number a bit of wiggle room.)

This isn't a super long post, so I apologize but I should stop ignoring my friends at the table. :)

Saturday, January 22, 2011


$10 says Mackenzie won't read this post.

I'm sitting in the breakroom at work at this moment & next to me is a tray of cupcakes (one of our managers is transferring to another store).  I entertained the thought of having one for a minute, but then I took a gander at the ingredients sticker on the box.

Have a look for yourself. 


Ugh.  I'm a bit disgusted right now, but quite happy with my apple & baby carrots I brought to snack on.

Karissa 1

Cupcakes 0

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

First Weigh-In! And some other things . . .

It's been a super busy week!  Until yesterday I hadn't had a day off for a week, had tons of shopping to do, fun stuff planned with friends & I managed to go to the gym every day since I joined but Saturday (well, and today. . . but more on that later.)

Shopping for groceries always seems like an event in itself.  I'm the person that stands in the aisle & calculates how much I'm paying per ounce of one brand over the other & I'm indecisive to boot.  By far my favorite place to get groceries is Trader Joe's & I always make at least one big stop there a month to stock up.  Then, since I'm close by I'll run in Whole Foods for a few things I can't get anywhere else (or sometimes, remarkably, they manage to be cheaper there).  This is the result of the first leg of Karissa's grocery marathon.

It was too late to do much else but go home at that point, so I did.  Then the next day I ran by Aldi's to grab a couple items they had on sale & wound up with all this for super cheap!  I love Aldi's.

With a fridge full of goodies, I feel pretty confident in my food choices this week & am stoked for smoothies & soup galore!

When joining Club Fitness, they give you one complimentary personal training session.  Since I pretty much clueless as to how half the stuff there works, I was really thankful for the opportunity to learn a little.  When Mackenzie & I signed up we chose Tuesday (yesterday) for our appointment since I'm always off Tuesdays.  Turns out she got super sick, so I had to brave it alone.

I am a super awkward person most of the time, especially with people I don't know (not to mention a personal trainer who is going to ask me lots of question I'm not exactly comfortable answering).  I was a little nervous to go alone, but glad to have some one on one time with a trainer.  Darin was my trainer, he was super nice & he tailored my session to exercises that would do the most good for me.  I was doing good through the whole session & then he kicked my ass.  Hard.  Let's just say I haven't done squats or lunges in a long time & now I remember why.  I walked out after the session feeling fine & then when I got to the stairwell I quickly found out how badly he had kicked my ass.  Getting up the stairs of my apartment when I got home yesterday was a feat in itself & I'm quite sure I hurt worse today.  Work is not going to be fun tonight!  But I know that what he showed me is going to help me out a ton.  No pain, no gain, right?  Ow.

Now on to the good stuff!

When I started this blog last week I didn't start out with any concrete information on my weight or anything, to be honest when I wrote that first post, it all just sort of came out uncontrollably.  Honestly, I've been a bit scared to share my weight, its not something I'm proud of & that I want to shout from the rooftops (I can't even bear to tell the DMV that what my ID says isn't exactly true).

For quite some time I've been hovering around 280 pounds.  Its not a number I like.  At all.  When I came home after visiting my family over Christmas I randomly got on the scale & saw that I was at 286.  It was not a pretty site.  I was shocked & disappointed in myself & I knew that something needed to change.  Since I came back from that visit, my eating habits, for the most part, have drastically improved & with getting the gym membership I hoped that would jumpstart this process.

So without further adieu, as of yesterday my weight is:


With only a few weeks of better eating, less drinking & working out for 4 days I'm already down 12 pounds in the first few weeks of the new year.  Who's stoked?  ME!!!!!!

Alright, time to get ready for work now & try to hobble down the stairs.  My legs are virtually useless right now.  Wish me luck!

Thursday, January 13, 2011

I should have brought headphones . . .

I didnt intend for today to be very eventful.

I set my alarm for 7 am, as I had to be at work by 8:30.  Ended up getting ready in record time, making breakfast to take with me & got to work early (which is a feat for me).  Work went by remarkably fast & before I knew it, it was break time & I got to nom one of the last bowls of my awesome vegan "chicken" noodle soup I made Sunday.  Then as soon as I went back it seemed like time for me to head home.

I've had a bag of whole grain quinoa sitting in my cabinet for, lets just say, a long time.  I've been slightly intimidated by it & kind of lost as to what to use it in.  But tonight, I made it!  I made up a small batch to have with my Mandarin Orange Gardein "chicken," with a salad on the side.  Definitely an awesome meal I'll want to repeat & not too hefty on the calories.

Hanging at home as i was finishing my dinner, my friend Mackenzie called & we decided to go to  Club Fitness  tonight & sign up for a membership.  Its something we'd talked about for a few weeks now, but we had delayed due to snow/meeting up at the right time/downright procrastination.  They have several locations within a few miles of my home, one across the street from where I work & have 24 hour access through the week at most of them.  Its super convenient & affordable to boot!

Ladies & Gentlemen, for the first time in my life, I joined a gym!

After an hour or so of awkwardness & paperwork we had our key cards & got to explore the place.  I am gym-retarded so I dont know what anything is called besides a treadmill, but we worked out for about an hour between 2 bike machines, the treadmill, a short stint on the elliptical & a bit of light weights.   According to the machines I burned at least 250 calories!

I am so stoked right now.  Im full of zest & energy & I'm super optimistic about this.  If my legs are still attached to my body tomorrow, I'm considering stopping by after work.  We'll see how I feel?

Time to end this & stop ignoring Mackenzie & the movie we're watching.  Thanks for reading & if you're one of the many people who have commented, messaged, texted or talked to me about my first post, words can't express how encouraged & loved you've all made me feel.


Wednesday, January 12, 2011

An Introduction. . .

I'm going to be honest, I don't exactly know where to start with this.

My name is Karissa, I'm 26 & currently reside in the wonderful city of St Louis, MO.  I love cooking & desperately want to go to culinary school, but money is keeping that from happening right now.  I've always been a shy, reserved person & this blog is my attempt to break myself of that.  Well here goes nothing. . .

I'm starting this blog because, quite frankly, I'm unhappy with myself.  I have been as long as I can remember.  I've always been the fat girl-from elementary school to junior high, junior high to high school, and now in this weird twenty-something era I find myself in.  I've never been one to stand up for myself.  My oldest school time memories consist of mockery & teasing.  I've always been the easy one to pick on.  

After awhile I became so complacent, I just didn't care anymore.  No matter how nice I was, I got the same old taunts, the same insults, over & over again.  Whether it was from James Neumeyer (if you ever meet him, feel free to give him a swift kick to the balls for me), my father or someone else along the way, I just began to ignore it.  Each time hurt just as worse as the former, but that was my way of coping.  Here I am, years later with the same state of mind & the same tactics to dealing with my insecurity. 

A little over 7 years ago I became a vegetarian.  The music scene I was involved in heavily advocated the lifestyle & after several of my friends made the switch, I did too.  Its a choice that I'm proud of & a cause continue to support.  Back when I made the switch, I just assumed that taking that route would help me lose weight.  But I was a bad vegetarian.  Boca burgers + macaroni & cheese do not = healthy.

Over the years I have adapted my eating habits & I do believe I make MUCH better food choices that I used to, I even briefly went vegan for about 6 months 3 years ago.  But let's face it, I love cheese too much.  It doesn't matter how much celery I eat if I binge on a pizza or eat a whole pot of macaroni & cheese when my roommate isn't home.  Emotional eating is my downfall.  If I have a bad day at work, I swing by Little Caesar's on the way home.  If I'm out with friends & go home feeling rejected, then I raid the fridge when I get home & blame it on being drunk.  I know all too well what I'm doing.

This is my attempt to stop the cycle.  My friend Emily started a blog last year & I've been keeping up with her journey, even though we live 6 hours apart.  We've been friends for 8 years now & I think have been in a similar situation, but somehow managed to never talk about it.  She has been such an encouragement & inspiration to me in recent months without knowing it.  She's on her way to changing her life & I only hope I can do half as well as she has.

So onto the purpose of this blog.

I'm known to procrastinate & in recent years to not follow through with what I set out to do.  Hey if no one knows what I've set out to do, then I can't disappoint anyone, now can I?  My intention with this blog is to share what I'm doing, share my goals with my friends & whoever else along the way, so I can't hide it all anymore.
I want to lose weight.
I want to be proud of myself.
I want to share my story.

Alright, I suppose I have been long-winded enough with this first entry, but I hope that anyone that reads this will give me any encouragement they can & help keep me accountable.  Its going to be tough, but I think I'm ready.