ups & downs.

I'm in a rut. 

There's no better way to say it.

The last couple weeks have been trying & I've been lazy.  I didn't let on much on my last post (That's because I did make some progress pounds-wise & who wants to be a downer, right?), but I just feel stuck.  I've been to the gym once, maybe twice a week lately & when I'm physically there, I haven't been mentally.  Ever feel like you're just running through the motions?

The last few months have pretty much turned my life upside down & don't get me wrong, I'm THRILLED with the change I've made & the years I'm adding onto my life.  Its just that sometimes I wonder to myself if I CAN do it. 

I was an overachiever in elementary & high school, always on my game.  As an overweight child, I felt that was the only thing special about me.  Being smart made me feel worthy.  When I got made fun of, the thought that I had a one up on my bully made me feel somewhat better.  When the end of high school came around, I didn't know what to do with myself.  All the things I had considered doing with my life were all up in the air & the guidance I had was next to none.  I only applied to one university, knowing I'd get accepted there, with absolutely NO IDEA what I was getting myself into.

That's where everything changed.  There was no one telling me what class to sign up for, no one making me get up in the morning for class.  I was an adult now, I could do whatever I wanted.  That I did.  If there's one thing I wish I could go back & fix, that would be it.  I had school paid for, for the most part & I let it slip away.  I let it all pass me by & here I sit 7 years later wondering what the hell happened, still in debt for the degree I never finished.  Where is that smart girl at?  If being smart was what made me worthy, what am I now?

Years & years of that on my shoulders & its no wonder I was where I was.  The pressure & guilt of wasting the last 9 years of my life is immense & still on top of me to this day. 

The absolute worst part of it all, though, is dissappointing my Mom.  I know she wanted more for me.  I know she wishes I wasn't living paycheck to paycheck, barely scraping by.  More than anyone, she believed in me.  And I let her down.

I'm tired of being a dissappointment.  To my Mom, my family & to myself.  The last 4 months have been a new beginning for me, changing me inside & out.  I'm so incredibly proud of myself for losing 43 & a half pounds.  My friends are proud of me, my coworkers are proud of me & most importantly my Mom is proud of me.  The sound in her voice & the exclamation points in her texts when I tell her I've lost more are what has kept me going lately.  I am forever thankful to have her as my mother.

I totally did not mean for this post to turn into a sobfest, but that's just sort of where it led me.  I think I just really needed to put it into words.

As for the last week, like I said, I've been lazy.  I went to the gym twice, I think.  Not ending up doing much either time (last night I spent more time talking to one of the employees there, our friend Jay, than anything at all-there's a funny story I'll put up in a day or 2 about that, actually).  I've managed to keep my diet mostly in check, though.  That's probably all that saved me this week.

Previous weight : 242.5
Current weight. : 242.5
No change this week.

I need to make some serious adjustments to get back on track this week.  The first is to stop making excuses.  Work, the rain or watching The Office shouldn't stop me from working out.  Besides, if I don't make it to the gym more, how am I ever going to steal the mayorship on foursquare?  Priorities, people.

xoxo