Monday, April 11, 2011


That word above is not always my strong point.

Now don't start to think that means that I've started eating everything in sight & stopped going to the gym.  I've been slacking on tracking & failed at updating my blog for a few weeks, that is true.  That's where my inconsistency shines.  But I have been eating more intuitively & working out on a regular basis (more so outside because its been so nice!!). 

I haven't posted for a few weeks because I had a disappointing week.  I wasn't satisfied with my progress, despite my best efforts so I was hesistant to share.  I am all about sharing my successes & progress, but I feel pitiful sharing my shortcomings.  I didn't even do anything terrible, I just had one of those weeks where for some unknown reason I didn't lose.  Why do I let these things get me down?

I have progressed since my last post, though.  I've lost pounds, my clothes are falling off even more so & I can see the changes in my face, collarbone, legs & stomach.  Weight loss has such a profound effect on your body.  When I was slowly gaining weight over the years I didn't see (at least not consciously) what I was doing to myself.  Sure I noticed when a new stretch mark manifested itself or I had to buy a bigger size, but going back the opposite way its a lot easier to notice these things.

Today isn't Tuesday, so its not an official weigh-in day, but I'm happy to report that I reached my first goal I put in the last post.  I haven't went to get my pedicure yet, but I will be treating myself to it soon!  Since then I've dropped another 5 pounds to bring me to 251 the last time I hopped on the scale (I was down to 249.5 but I've been jumping all around the 250 range the last week or so).

Reaching 250 is a big deal for me.  I don't even know the last time my weight was this low.  My drivers license has said 250 since I renewed it in August of 09 (let's just say I was rounding down a bit).  So as of the last week or so, my drivers license isn't lying anymore!  I don't think I've EVER had the correct weight on my license in the last 10 years.  I believe I put 180 when I first got my permit & kept it there for years, too ashamed to speak up & say it was much, much higher. 

I don't have to hide my weight anymore.  That's a big deal for me.  Broadcasting my business on this blog, Facebook & Twitter for my friends, family & strangers to see is terrifying to me, but necessary to hold myself accountable.  If I had kept this to myself, I know I would have failed without the support that has come from suprising places & people.  The simplest thing, like someone "liking" my run on Facebook keeps me motivated to go run again tomorrow, not to mention the constant encouragement I get on my posts & status updates.

This change is one of the few things in my life that is solely about ME.  No one can take this from me, no one can make me succeed or fail, but everyone can support me.  I've found support in the most surprising places, from people I only talk to online, while people I see all the time have let me down. 

When I stopped going out & drinking as often, I feel like I've lost a lot of my friends.  When I try to get people together without it involving alcohol or a bar, it never happens.  If that's all our friendship revolves around, just know that it really hurts that I'm nothing more to you than a drinking buddy.  This change is SO HARD for me.  Harder than most people could ever realize.  To then see that the people around you, who you depend on don't seem to support you, makes it infinitely harder.  I can't @ reply someone on Twitter for a hug when I've had a shitty day, I can't cry on the shoulder of someone on Facebook chat.  I NEED MY FRIENDS.  Not to say all my friends are like this, I do have a support system that keeps me going, but its infinitely smaller than the group of friends here that once surrounded me.

I guess its time to stop word vomiting on this post, but I just needed to share how I felt today.  Today has been rough, but I've made it through with the girls I've been talking to today.  I just want you guys to know that you've made all the difference in the world to me.  Mackenzie, Terra & Emily, I love you guys. :)

My "official" weigh-in post will be up tomorrow, I promise!  No more blog vacations, hold me to that.


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