This post comes to you from inside the walls of Atomic Cowboy in StL.
Here I sit, alone, in a booth in a room full of people. I've been here for over an hour, but can't seem to enjoy myself in the slightest. A few drinks down & I still can't fight the nonsense going on in my head.
After work I came home, relaxed a bit, then started to get ready to go out. As I got ready I went through the clothes in my room over & over. Nothing looked good on me. Everything has awkward gapes & its not flattering. At all. I finally found a t-shirt I felt mildy comfortable wearing & pretty much gave up. My wardbrobe is disappointing to say the least.
But I was excited to go out; excited to see my friends; excited to relax for a couple hours. But apparently I'm incapable of that tonight. Ever since I got here tonight, I can't overcome my awkward nature. I can't get out of my head. I feel INCREDIBLY insecure (the worst I've felt in a long time) & honestly, I'm doing my best not to burst into tears right now in public.
I don't know what it is tonight. Is it because my clothes don't fit me right? Is it because my friends are all of doing their own thing? Is it because the guy I like hasn't given me the time of day? Really I think its my mind playing tricks on me. I've been too on top of my game lately. A little too on top of it. Is this my minds way of attacking me?
I'm not quite sure, but I don't like it in the slightest.
The only night out I've had in a week & its ruined. Time to go home.